I fear that eventually, I will not be able get aroused unless this is my life.
The other day, I was at home experiencing my renewed sense of horny submission to my wife when she returned from work. She was looking extra beautiful to me wearing her work clothes which included a skirt and dress shoes. When she kicked her shoes off, I could tell that her feet probably had that smell that sent foot freaks like me into cloud nine. I couldn't help myself when I asked her if I could give her feet a tongue bath. I think I threw her off-guard because she gave a puzzled but affirmative jesture. She doesn't understand why I like this, but she is gracious enough to let me indulge in my fetishes. She had me follow her up to the bedroom so I could get my treat. She laid on the bed and checked her phone messages while I went to town feverishly on my owner's sweaty feet. It must have been a silly sight to the vanilla-thinking person. But I could do this every day. It is everything to me. It is the only form of intimacy I need in this world.
When I was done, my wife smiled down on me. I told her how horny I was for her and that denying me was the best. That is when I should have stopped, left the room, and let her change out of her work clothes. Instead, my aching balls and my leaking boner took over the moment. I told her that she should deny me sex for the rest of my life. Her smile went away instantly. She proceeded to berate me on how she didn't want that at all, how she would always want sex with me, thought it not fair to deny herself that, and that it wasn't normal behavior. That word again. Normal. The word which symbolizes the obstacle freaks like myself struggle with our entire lives. We are forced to conform to what's normal. I backtracked. I told her I was just using hyperbole because I was caught up in the moment. I reassured her that I always love having sex with her. The truth is, having an orgasm inside of a vagina is the most outstanding sensation in the world to me.
But this interaction was more proof that our ideals in the bedroom aren't the same. She needs me to be a man for her in order to really love me. It is the paradox of the cuckold relationship. How can my wife want me for a life partner if I truly am inferior? Why would she want to keep me around if she found a man who could make beautiful love to her? I'm afraid she is too far on the vanilla side to see it any other way. I envy the cuckold whose wife can find a special relationship with another man while also keeping her inferior husband as a soul mate.
It is really my fault. I got a dose of the drug that is cuckolding and I am hooked for life. The initial dose instantly had me coming back for more. I want it in bigger doses now. It isn't enough that my wife hooks up with her old friend on a very sporadic basis. I am just like a junkie, only instead of a chemically altering drug, I need the psychological mind fuck. In the moments that my wife is fucking him, I am happy. I'm still happy when she returns to me, tells me about their time together, and lets me eat her out. But after that, the high starts to fade. Especially when she lets me fuck her, the feeling of being cuckolded has all but disappeared. I need more. I need her to be exclusive to him. I need him to fuck her regularly and often. I need to be nothing to her when it comes to sexual intercourse.
My ideal sex scene plays out in my head quite definitely. My wife strips naked, crawling onto the bed looking back at me. She looks so beautiful and I am so addicted to her body. She gives me the look like I know what to do. Her ass has me in a trance. I move in, but I know my place and go in face first. I spread her ass open and bury my tongue in her anus. The taste is bitter, but I have grown to love it, become fixated on it. After licking and worshipping for a good amount of time, I pick my head up. I caress her round, soft, beautiful, milky white ass. My fingers explore downward from her asshole and to her honey pot, oozing its nectar. I realize that my primal urges are taking over. I am fully aroused and have the urge to stick my erection into her pussy, ending my horny frustration.
As I picture driving myself into heaven and get ready to act on it, the door behind me opens. It is her lover. My wife smiles. He walks towards us and gently nudges me to let him in. I back away obediently. He quickly gets naked and pulls out his big cock. He gets into position to take his woman. The pussy I want so badly is now being penetrated by its true owner. Her lover makes her gasp upon his initial thrusts. His cock is quickly coated with her accommodating juices as he begins to develop a rhythm. My extreme inferiority is confirmed as I realize that I would have come inside of her by now. But that is why she is not my woman, she is his. I have no business inside of her, and everyone in the room knows no greater truth. My boner twitches as I sit on the floor watching. They put on a display of doggy style fucking worthy of porn. My wife is so turned on that every outward stroke of her lover's cock creates a rope of messy residual juice flying onto the bed sheets. She soon comes very hard on him.
But he isn't done. He slows down and lets her catch her breath. He reaches over and they kiss lovingly, until he sees that she is ready for more. He picks his strokes up and I watch as he pounds her for a really long time. He finally makes her come again. Now he builds up toward his orgasm. She begs him to come deep inside of her. She tells him she wants it so badly in her. He obliges and coats her vaginal walls with his potent seed, marking his territory and making her forget at that moment that she has a husband. They are the only two people in the world as far as they are concerned. They have become one, and I am of no use to my wife in this capacity any more. She is my wife but his lover. She is my friend but his woman.
They say you have a problem when your addiction spills over and ruins other parts of your life. My wife doesn't seem to be wired for polyamory. So if she really met a man that could fulfill her sexual desires in a way that fulfills my cuckold desires, she would probably leave me. This would take away my best friend and break our family apart. But I can't deny that it would feed and satisfy my sexual addiction. The fact that I'm even thinking this way tells me I have a growing problem. Will I never be happy sexually until I am reduced to a pathetic divorcee who lost his entire family to the drug that is cuckolding? Or even worse, will I only be sexually satisfied when I am reduced to nothing more than a divorced loser whose only service to women includes paying financial Dommes to send me dirty socks in the mail and make me frequent glory holes in the seedy parts of town? What's worst of all, I have no desire for rehabilitation.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
It had been a couple weeks since I last masturbated, thanks to my wife who recently put the hammer down. In my last blog entry, I explained how she not only stopped my frantic jacking off to all things sexy and kinky, but she also cut me off from having intercourse with her indefinitely. I had turned back into her horny servant.
Last night, I got a lucky break. I think it was due to the personal attention I was giving her as well as my domestic efforts lately. She told me that after giving her a long massage, I would be given a treat. My eager hands rubbed her entire body until she felt the utmost relaxation. I could tell she would be receptive to a nice pussy massage as well. When my hand finally made its way between her legs, she let out a very welcoming moan. I made a dash for the Hitachi, and soon she was getting the happy ending that she deserved. I got on my knees on the floor as she lay on the edge of the bed. As I worked her over, I developed a nice boner in my panties. Just the notion that there I was, nothing more than her personal panty boy servant, had me at the same level of sexual arousal that she was, and she was the one being pleasured. Before I knew it, her orgasm had her thighs gripping the magic wand as she shook with ecstasy.
When she calmed down, she told me I would be allowed to jack off on her foot. But she made it clear that I wasn't allowed to fuck her since I couldn't handle her like a real man. She told me I should be grateful for the opportunity to come on her foot. I agreed and thanked her for this gift. She hung her leg down near my position on my knees. Stroking for what had to be about ten seconds, I positioned myself and quickly coated her hot pink-painted toes with at least two weeks worth of slimy, useless seed.
"Lick it up" she said. I knew I was going to be made to, but the encouragement to do so kept me in the right mind space to perform the shameful act without pause. Soon her soft foot was absolutely clean of my mess.
"There", she said. "That should hold you over for about a month, shouldn't it?". I knew it was a rhetorical question as I nodded and said yes like a good little boy. I was a little surprised that the three week chastity norm was overlooked and a full month was imposed. But we have a weekend getaway planned in June for just the two of us and I concluded that it must be the next time I'm allowed to masturbate. I thanked her for the night and incredible release, even if I did end up with the aftertaste of semen in my mouth and throat.
Monday, May 13, 2013
My wife erased any question as to who is ultimately in charge of my sex life. It all started a couple of days ago when she told me she was texting with her out-of-town fuck buddy and things got a little dirty. She showed me some texts and he was talking about how he's going to give her what she's been missing for so long. They talked about how hard he's going to fuck her as well as the other activities he does with her that I'm not allowed to do.
I finished reading it and my hands were trembling so much that I was afraid of dropping her phone. And in that precise moment, all of my concerns about our kinky sex life, my growing lust for other porn stars, all of it went away. My wife was my sole focus again.
That night in bed, we talked some more about the texts. She said they were planning a meeting sometime in the future. During the talk, she very matter of factly told me to rub her feet. It had been so long since I had done that, and even longer since she gave me orders like that. I guess she could tell she had me right where she wanted me by my newly rejuvenated attentive behavior. While I rubbed her feet, she gave me the lecture about how I've been slacking in my service to her and that she knew it was because she's been letting me fuck her. She told me that the only way she sees it remedied is by cutting me off from intercourse. It was a shot in the arm to me, and a jolt to my penis. I was rock hard and she saw it. She told me she would much rather have a slave who acts like this than a premature ejaculator during sex.
She grabbed my leaking boner and started stroking me lightly. We made out while I also played with her pussy. She was really wet as we talked about how her pussy is his, not mine. Then I got the Hitachi and took her to orgasm, while my penis was denied any more pleasure for the night. We then cuddled and she talked to me about how she loved me this way. I told her how I loved being a good boy for her, and that she was my Mommy. I told her how slave boys make much better servants than sex partners to their mommies, and she had a favorable reaction to that. I knew the natural order was back where it belonged. Before we both fell asleep for the night, I went to my underwear drawer and pulled out a pair of panties. We both knew it was time for me to go back into them. I imagine that the chastity device is next on the horizon.
Although it is proven that my kinks are much more potent than my wife's, sometimes I feel like I am on a completely different wavelength than she is. But it is times like these that make me think that we are in fact in tune with each other. Perhaps we both needed this last break and now we both need the natural order to return. My next blog entry was actually going to be about how I needed my wife to take charge of me again because I didn't like what I was doing. I needed to be in chastity again and I needed to be denied the awesome feeling of ejaculating inside of my wife. I needed her to be the sole focus again. Little did I know that she wanted that too in the same way. It is all about the ebbs and flows of a kinky sex life living in a vanilla world.
Monday, May 6, 2013
This past weekend, while my wife was out with girlfriends for the night, I took my place at the computer and did what comes naturally to me: surfing my favorite porn sites. I decided to try out some of those sissy self hypnosis training videos that I found out about. There was one about sucking cock. I watched the compilation of women sucking on huge hard cocks with the dubbed over soothing female voice telling me how much I love being a cocksucker.
It was really arousing and I decided that I would try something. Although I admit to fantasizing about sucking cock, and even having accidental ejaculations while watching homo-erotica in the past, I've never masturbated to completion with the sole intention of having an orgasm to it. I always figured it just wouldn't be as intense as having visions of women I am actually attracted to. Well, this time I was going for it no matter what. I got my wife's Hitachi and decided that I was going to be a little slut. I rubbed the magic wand over my silky panties like a girl. Eyes fixated on big beautiful penises, pretending it was my warm mouth caressing them, it didn't take long at all before I was violently shooting a massive load in my panties. It was amazing.
The immediate moments following my orgasm, I lost all desire to even look at the video, yet wasn't feeling the complete shame I thought I would. However, the next day, all I could think about was when I was going to try it again. I'm really surprised at how I took to something so foreign when I'm not really gay. Not in the closet. Nothing like that. I think I just really like sexualizing anything that takes away from who I am supposed to be as a man. Being treated like a dog, being a woman's doormat, and screwing with my sexual preferences all seem to fit the same mold. I think I will try to mix in gay porn to my masturbation habits on a regular basis and see how it goes.