Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Never Ending Cycle of My Sex Life

Phase 1: My wife and I take a break from all things kink, Femdom, and more importantly, chastity. More time is spent on the healthy things in life like friends, family, and hobbies, but vanilla sex in less intervals takes over the bedroom dynamic. I regularly masturbate and keep myself sexually satisfied and am never really horny. If I wait too long before masturbating again, which is usually over 24 hours, I start to get slightly horny and a kinky thought might creep into my mind. I relieve the tension and masturbate the thoughts away.

But my sex life becomes boring and my wife doesn't show much sexual excitement either. Something must be done. So she cuts me off to punish me for my lack of attention to her. At that point I was begging for some excitement anyway, so I quickly comply. The mere idea of being cut off makes me horny already.

Phase 2: The possibilities and ideas seem endless as orgasm denial builds up my libido. My wife starts to look sexier than before. The thought of fucking her excites me more than it had recently, but the thought of another man fucking the woman I took for granted puts me on an unexplainable level of arousal. As the denial builds, the feeling becomes nearly frantic. The sex between us, albeit without traditional intercourse, becomes creative and mind-blowing. Sometimes I am actually cuckolded which adds even more fun. I beg to fuck my wife and come inside of her, and being denied my request drives me insane. I do get the opportunity to release enough to keep my libido healthy, but I am never given enough sexual satisfaction to cause a drop off in my overactive sex drive. This is what we both would consider the pinnacle of our sexual dynamic.

Phase 3: Over time, the strain of being denied a thorough sexual release becomes too much. I need something to curb my sexual appetite, so I turn to porn and flood my brain with images and videos of the things that turn me on most. Any type of porn will do, but those with themes of cuckolding, foot worship, or interracial sex drive me into a frenzy.

Although the kinky sex between my wife and I is still hot, it doesn't satisfy the cravings. The constant stimulus of porn becomes commonplace, and not so intense to watch. But I keep a continuous flow of it like oxygen. I begin to edge myself to keep the intense images fresh and exciting.

Phase 4: Cuckold and interracial porn become so routine that I feel an urgency for my wife to be as insatiable as the hot wives and sluts on the screen. This is what I consider the beginning of the downfall. I change the standard of what I consider the perfect sexy wife to something unrealistic in my world.

To combat a libido that goes from pleasantly frustrated to an almost resentful state, I begin to look at even more kinky porn like sissy hypno videos. To be an actual sissy slut is my version of kink utopia. Nothing I can do in bed with my wife compares in intensity to the thought of her dressing me up in lingerie and choosing a real man to be her lover, treating me as a maid and fluffer.

Phase 5: My wife tires of my hair trigger cock having accidents in my panties and my failed attempts at fucking her without coming immediately, so she allows me more releases. She wants her dick back, so to speak. Granted, I am generally a premature ejaculator, so I am not adding on much time here. But when I get to release regularly, I am at least getting in a good ten to twenty seconds of pounding that she likes. So she just wants twenty seconds? It makes me wonder why she doesn't want more, and use her lifetime hall pass regularly. But by this time, I'm ready for the frustrating feelings to be over. It's good to get some regular pussy again. Which brings us back to Phase 1.

It's a cycle that repeats itself over and over again, and I will never know where I truly belong.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Cut off again

When I left you last, I had proven that porn didn't control my life and I was also having regular sex with my wife as well as masturbating, keeping me completely sexually satisfied. I wasn't really having any horny feelings at all and few kinky thoughts entered my mind. I was enjoying being free of the prison that was orgasm denial, and I wasn't about to change anything. But Mommy had other plans.

Long story short, I am cut off again. I'm being punished for my lack of service and attention. I am not sure how long this will last, but it will prove to be a lifestyle changer of sorts.

But what makes it interesting is that as soon as I was given this punishment, it was like my libido was awakened. I was instantly horny at the boundaries given to me. I always considered the length of orgasm denial as the main culprit of what makes my most intense arousal come alive. But here I was, more or less drained of all sexual tension. Like the switch was in the off position. Upon given the news that I was cut off, I was as horny as if I had been in chastity for a month. It gives a considerable amount of proof that being treated as an inferior is my sexual identity. Chastity only magnifies its effect, or gives it that extra buzz.

I think steering clear of my old porn habits can make things even more intense. I will focus all sexual energy on my wife. Sure, there will be slip-ups, but I will not desensitize myself by living with the constant feed of graphic adult themes and eye candy.

It is just unbelievable how much my demeanor has changed since Mommy brought me back "home".

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

30 Days Without Porn

Last week marked 30 days without viewing any type of pornographic videos. I would like to tell you that there is some big change in my attitude, but the truth is that the month flew by and I didn't even realize it for the most part. It doesn't really feel like a big accomplishment even though I could have never seen myself cutting it off completely before. It was an experiment without a definitive conclusion. Well, at least, not a conclusion I expected. I thought maybe after I achieved my goal, I would be chomping at the bit to watch some really hot sex clip and it would be so awesome that I would cum in my panties about 30 seconds in. The fact is, I never watched anything since the 30 day mark and I'll probably hold off even longer.

A funny thing happened (actually, I didn't find it funny at all) a couple weeks into my experiment. I stopped getting my regular erections. I was still horny, but I wasn't getting hard at anything aside from my morning wood. I first wondered if this is what happens as we age, but I'm still fairly young. So I wondered if it was indeed the absence of porn. Then I wondered if it was the years of off-and-on chastity to which I subjected my poor penis. I had also enjoyed the masturbating in a girly fashion (rubbing the underside of my penis through my panties, similar to how a girl can, and not getting fully hard) to the point where it felt better than merely stroking.

At any rate, this wasn't sitting well with my wife who had noticed the decline in my penile rigidity. Though I personally could handle living without erections and only getting off to the mindfuck of teasing my soft little clitty, my wife would never understand. She believes, as I'm sure most women do, that the absence of an erection is the absence of attraction. This was a fantasy that I wasn't going to live out and therefore had to be eliminated.

I began masturbating regularly. I felt that My penis needed exercise. It was the only solution I could think of. So that's what I did, without the presence of porn. I still have the images of my most kinky fantasies burned into my mind, and I didn't need to break my vow of no porn. From what I can tell, it has made a difference. I still suffer from premature ejaculation when having sex with my wife, so it hasn't cured everything. But things seem to be going in the right direction.

So maybe it could be said that I cheated to make it over a month without watching porn since I keep myself sexually satisfied at all times. It doesn't matter to me. I still achieved a feat that I couldn't dream of ever since the internet became a readily available tool for everyone. I have more time to engage in more worthwhile hobbies and real life. I'm sure there will be a time when I am just too horny and will really indulge in some hardcore vids, but I am going to try to keep those moments isolated and not such a big part of my life.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Two weeks without porn

Just an update on my progress in living without porn. I have now gone two full weeks without watching any type of pornographic video whatsoever. I have also tried to steer away from pornographic images as well (Tumblr and the like), even though that wasn't part of the deal initially. I still read blogs and go on Fetlife to indulge in my mental stimulation, which may have kept me from relapsing so far.

Two weeks without porn may not seem like such a big deal to some, and to others it may seem like I have achieved a substantial feat. As much porn as I now realize I would consume daily, you can trust me that I have made a huge change in my habits.

This wasn't some rock bottom resolution I had to make in my life. This was really just an experiment to see how my libido and body would handle the absence of stimulation. When I realized how much I really watched, I thought this change in habit would either leave me extremely horny for content or just make my normal horny feelings subside. Admittedly, I also wondered if the thought of not being "allowed" to watch porn would feel akin to my fantasy of not being allowed to watch real men fuck women the way I wish I could.

The first week was fairly easy, other than the remembering it takes to break this routine that I have had for fifteen years plus. The second week was a little more difficult, as I had quite a few urges to break the vow. To add to it, I got to have sex with my wife after three weeks of denial, and my libido got a nice jumpstart as it usually does. But I never broke the vow. I turned to focusing more on hobbies I have and that has put me in a much easier place now. Because in the beginning of this third week, I don't have a lot of horny feelings at all. I can see myself easily going 30 days without porn now. We will see how the second half of this experiment goes.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Taking a break from watching porn

For as long as I've had internet access, I don't think I've gone more than a week without viewing some kind of pornographic material. I never really gave it much thought until recently, because we all know that it has become the norm for most people to view videos of people fucking in whichever manner they like. But I haven't given enough credence to the fact that my habits are probably having a profound effect on my own sexual relationship with my wife.

When I am put on an orgasm schedule (which has now been the majority of my married life), I constantly think about sex. And watching porn has gone hand in hand with the horny feelings I seem to perpetually have. But I know that we get de-sensitized when we view it so much. I wonder what things would be like if I was horny and didn't have such a crutch. Would I obsess about it even more? Would I direct even more attention toward my wife? Or would the absence of constant stimuli make me less horny and frustrated?

I did an experiment years ago where I cut myself off from all nudity. The only exception being if I saw something in a vanilla movie or was exposed in any vanilla setting. If I recall correctly, I lasted somewhere between 5-7 days. And I could never get back on the wagon again, so to speak. I realized that it just wasn't realistic. I am now going to run an experiment, which technically started yesterday, to see if I can go two weeks without watching any pornographic videos. I think it is a realistic start. If I go two weeks with no problem, I will try to go for an entire 30 days. Then I will evaluate myself.

I will continue to frequent message boards and even Fetlife, and if I see sexy pictures, that is fine too. I just want to see if I can stay away from watching full on, pussy licking, cock sucking, penetration of wet pussy and tight ass, tits bouncing, beautiful women moaning, multiple position, hardcore sex on tube sites, as well as the Femdom stuff. When I put it like that, I realize this may be harder than I thought.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Such a Ruined Orgasm

A week after I had the wonderful privilege of coming three times (once by accident in my panties and twice inside of my wife), I was really horny again. It was a Sunday night, and my wife and I began making out. I couldn't gauge whether or not my wife was going to let me come again this night, much less let me fuck her. But the chance was there and I was hoping to get lucky.

I went down on her and licked like a maniac. I was possessed by my wife's curvy, tan body. Thinking about the weekend prior and all of the things she said regarding her man and how he fucks her made me even more crazy with lust. It didn't take long before my wife clamped down on my head and came hard.

At this point, I was rock hard. I wasn't wearing panties, unfortunately, but that was probably a good thing since she didn't want any accidents. After she regained her composure, she got up and then went down on my throbbing penis. She is very skillful and at the same time very careful not to take me too far over the edge. She knew not to take any more than the head in her mouth. It is embarrassing to know that I can't let my wife give me a real blowjob the way she wants because I can't handle it. Apparently, though, I can't handle a half blowjob either because out of nowhere, I felt myself reach the edge and I had to back her off of me.

I sat back and we both looked down at my penis, sticking straight up in the air. My face strained along with my hair trigger cock, and I eventually realized I wasn't winning this battle. My penis let out a distinct twitch, followed by spurts of thick, white, messy slime. My wife looked in utter disbelief as I sat through my ruined orgasm. She was disappointed that I had wasted myself in such a meaningless way. I felt horrible inside. It had only been a week since I had three orgasms, and my pathetic dick was still proving to be as useless as ever.

Afterwards, I went to cuddle with my wife. She seemed very loving, but I still couldn't shake the thought that I had pissed her off to some degree. I feel selfish wondering when the next time we play will be.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Wife gives me release while keeping me hooked

Had a great weekend session with the wife. I was finally allowed to fuck her after six horny weeks, but she surely made me work for it. I provided her with full body massages and extensive foot rubs throughout the course of the weekend before being allowed, but that was only part of the torture she had in store for me.

A couple days before the weekend, she started texting with the man who helped her cuckold me. They got into some hot and heavy conversation about the things he was going to do to her next time they got together. This got her really hot and in a really playful mood with me.

I was made to get her off on Friday night and Saturday night and was denied intercourse. All the while, she talked about how I didn't deserve such a treat; it was his pussy and I was lucky to be in the same bed with her. That among lots of other talk about his sexual superiority over me. The session on Saturday night got so hot that I came in my panties just by her verbal abuse. This caught her off guard, but drove the point home how much it turned me on. Finally, on Sunday, I was allowed to fuck her. It was an immediate ejaculation upon entry as you may have guessed. Later on, she let me fuck her again and I lasted about ten seconds on that attempt.

I really don't know how far my wife will take things with her fuck buddy or if it is all just going to be sexting between them. But the intensity of what we have is so strong that I'm not really concerned about it at this point. Things are great, and I'm still horny.