Thursday, September 24, 2015

New Beginnings

Where have I been? Funny you should ask. That is, if I haven't completely killed off the rest of my readership. Well, there were some changes. And by the way, that previous post? No, my wife didn't become a Queen of Spades. Looking back from my perspective now, that post seems quite ridiculous. Anyway, things transpired in my life and my marriage and not in the best way. I guess I'll just get to it.

Without going into too much unnecessary detail, I will say that I started hanging around a group that became my friends. My wife didn't hang around me when I was with this group of friends, and they indirectly influenced me to get away from my male submissive tendencies and my interest in cuckoldry. Basically, they made me want to be the most alpha male I am capable of being. There was a lot of partying and drinking, and all of that nonsense, and I became like a different person. The unintended consequence was that I was slowly drifting away from my wife in respect to the rock solid relationship we would always pride ourselves on having.

This feeling of losing touch with one another escalated to a point where some calls and texts had been made between my wife and her fuck buddy behind my back. When confronted fully with the situation, she admitted that she had been lying to me, but it was only because she was trying to end things between them. She didn't want to tell me about it because she didn't want to disappoint me. She wanted to be my biggest fantasy and just didn't know if she could do it anymore. I knew she wasn't into the cuckolding thing as much as I was. But it turns out, she was doing it more for my sake than I had ever imagined. Even though I suddenly felt a strong sense of guilt for having taken things so far, there was still the issue of her lying to me about communicating with him. Before we had the long talk that assured me of everything being ok, I was overcome with an angst that I can't even describe. And even after we smoothed everything out, I still had a slight amount of worry that if she lied to me before, she can lie to me again. I ultimately decided to let the negative feelings go because my wife has earned my faith in her in all of our years of marriage. This little slip up was not going to ruin everything. I assured her that my stupid kink was nothing compared to having her for a wife. I only wanted to fulfill her fantasies from here on out.

Our next obstacle to overcome was the fact that neither of us wanted to go forward with any cuckolding type of bedroom roleplay for the foreseeable future. I would say that I was actually more against cuckolding than she was at that point in time due to the earthquake that rocked our foundation of trust so hard. So I was to become what she admitted she wanted all along: the one real man in her life. And I was ready to be that for her too. I did everything I could to reverse the premature ejaculation issues I had developed from years of chastity and denial. And I gained a good portion of my stamina back. I am older than I was when we began the "change". So admittedly, I can't get back to my prime years of performance. But it's not going to keep me from trying.

There was still an underlying issue that needed to be resolved. The fact that I was still acting like the most manly of men outside of our sex life. Keep in mind that the reason I married my wife and enjoyed our Femdom games was because she is so head strong and a type A personality. This didn't sit well when I would ask her why she was out with the girls so late or why she wasn't getting my domestic service like she used to. We had another talk, and I realized that I needed to make even more changes. I didn't really like the person I had become and wanted to be submissive to my wife again. I was getting tired of my new group of friends and realized that their primitive behavior was influencing me to be the same. I stopped hanging around with them and focused on making myself feel good inside. Translation: making my wife feel like the luckiest woman on earth again.

This is still a work in progress to be sure. Chastity isn't a thing we practice anymore because I am to have as much stamina as possible for my wife. This makes getting into the submissive mindset of wearing panties and being her massage boy much more difficult than it used to be. But I will adjust and this will be a new era for us. I will be my wife's love slave rather than her pathetic hubby with a useless penis. I'm sure kinky role play will resurface in other ways. Heck, even chastity to some extent once I learn to control my stamina with the added motivation. It looks to be an interesting future for us.

Friday, December 19, 2014

The Interracial Phenomenon: Redux

This entry was a long time coming. In my original post on this subject, The Interracial Phenomenon (found here), I felt I did a pretty good job of conveying my thoughts. But there's actually more to the story for me. I've debated saying something about the extreme fantasies I have about this subject for well over a year now, but due to recent events, I feel the need to express what has become a major part of my kinks.

Years ago, when my wife and I were first discussing the idea of cuckolding to add to our Femdom games, she made it clear that she didn't understand the overwhelming interracial influence in the lifestyle. She then added that she wasn't really into black guys, so I accepted it, despite my love for the interracial angle, and moved on. I soon found that being cuckolded wasn't tied to my IR fetish; Cuckolding by itself introduced me to an unprecedented level of arousal. Being cuckolded showed me that interracial sex wasn't such a big deal compared to this ultimate act of spousal degradation and emasculation that gets me off so easily.

Although my IR fetish was somewhat suppressed after that realization, I continued to love interracial porn just as I love Femdom porn. I also began to enjoy looking from afar at a lifestyle that has been present for a very long time, but was emerging with its own name: The 'Queen of Spades' movement - white women with a sexual preference for black men.

Frankly, the first time I heard the term 'Queen of Spades', it took me by surprise that someone would be so bold as to use what I always thought was a derogatory term towards African Americans (spade) to define a sexual group. I was never going to use that term, thinking it would flame out by itself. But more and more people began to use the term - black men, white women, you name it. It has actually become a badge of honor for many white women, proud of permanently marking their bodies with 'Queen of Spades' tattoos. I'm not so naive to think that there aren't still people offended by it, but it has become a household name in the swing and cuckold lifestyle. I won't go around using this term everywhere, but I will use it if the context fits.

I've found these white women who prefer black men to be a major turn on for me. In fact, the more exclusive to black men they are, the hotter they are. Going back to what I said in my first interracial blog entry, the thought of a woman choosing a man that I cannot be gives a connotation, perhaps subconsciously, that I am inferior. And feeling inferior turns me on. For some weird reason, when a woman claims to be "black only", meaning "no white men allowed", she becomes a Goddess in my eyes; the ultimate unattainable woman.

All of this was still tucked away in my fantasy world when, several weeks ago, something unforeseen happened. My wife and I were searching for porn on the internet to spice up the bedroom activities that night. I told her to choose, and to my surprise, she chose a Byron Long video where he was fucking a guy's wife in front of him. I immediately said "I thought you weren't really into black guys". She replied, "Some black guys are hot, plus they have big dicks and know how to fuck." Sure, she was quoting the usual stereotypical jargon, but you have to understand that this wasn't like her. She is picky when it comes to porn. She won't watch something she doesn't want to. I continued to express my surprise, and she assured me as she got wetter that she loved how well Byron was fucking this white wife. My words of surprised shifted to words of encouragement, agreeing with her about how hot black men were when they fuck. She then told me to get her toys.

With no protest, I grabbed the Hitachi and her lifelike dildo and went to town on her as she watched that and several other interracial scenes. Throughout this, she came twice and was thinking of going again, but the exhaustion of a long day eventually won out. I didn't get to come that night, but I was in pure heaven. I could barely sleep with my raging boner and thoughts of what had just occurred. But that is what I call sleep I don't mind losing. The next morning, I told her I was sorry if I got too excited at her having orgasms to interracial porn. She told me that it was ok and that she really enjoyed it. The sincere look in her eyes prompted me to admit that I thought it would be so hot to watch her fuck a hot black guy. With that, she kissed me deeply and we got up for the day.

You better believe that the only thing on my mind for those following days and even weeks was my wife fucking black guys. And my fetish for interracial porn became stronger than ever. It's like I was keeping down this thing that I loved because it wasn't politically correct, because I felt ashamed, and because my wife wasn't into it. With the prospect of my wife being on board with my kink, I couldn't bury it in denial any longer. It brought on a more defined fantasy. I want my wife to be a "Queen of Spades". I want my wife to be "for black men only", even cutting me off from intercourse if needed. I know I've fantasized about being cut off before, but now this new revelation overwhelms any rational thought.

Keep in mind, I fully understand that the saying "Once you go black, you never go back" is not true for everyone. In reality, the "Black Sexual Superiority" angle that such fetishists dwell on is kink driven; a fantasy that doesn't reflect everyone's views. But I am realizing that it is a kink that I'm into as well. I can't help but get aroused at the idea of black men being more desirable to all white women. The idea of the white boys becoming more service oriented in the bedroom; their sex lives being reduced to jacking off to the thoughts and images of their wives having sex with their new men is hot to me.

I've struggled to write these words for quite some time because of the implications being made. Some view this as flat out racist. Others would consider me as having some very deep-seated white guilt that only surfaces in the form of arousal. I don't know the answer to that, and quite frankly, neither do you. All I can tell you is that that I've never had ill thoughts of a person based solely on the color of his or her skin and all you can do is trust me on that. I don't mean any harm toward anybody and I would never push this agenda on anyone who wasn't already into it. I realize my thoughts at this time seem to contradict my previous complaints about interracial cuckold porn (which is still cheesy and usually unwatchable), but I'm realizing that the interracial angle does indeed enhance the cuckolding experience for me.

At the very least, my wife has become an equal opportunity woman when it comes to porn and I know we can play out some interracial fantasies. We have already done some since then. But I am also going to expose her more IR porn and let it be known that it's my favorite. Nothing pushy. Just seeing where it goes. Hopefully we both want it to go in the same direction.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Never Ending Cycle of My Sex Life

Phase 1: My wife and I take a break from all things kink, Femdom, and more importantly, chastity. More time is spent on the healthy things in life like friends, family, and hobbies, but vanilla sex in less intervals takes over the bedroom dynamic. I regularly masturbate and keep myself sexually satisfied and am never really horny. If I wait too long before masturbating again, which is usually over 24 hours, I start to get slightly horny and a kinky thought might creep into my mind. I relieve the tension and masturbate the thoughts away.

But my sex life becomes boring and my wife doesn't show much sexual excitement either. Something must be done. So she cuts me off to punish me for my lack of attention to her. At that point I was begging for some excitement anyway, so I quickly comply. The mere idea of being cut off makes me horny already.

Phase 2: The possibilities and ideas seem endless as orgasm denial builds up my libido. My wife starts to look sexier than before. The thought of fucking her excites me more than it had recently, but the thought of another man fucking the woman I took for granted puts me on an unexplainable level of arousal. As the denial builds, the feeling becomes nearly frantic. The sex between us, albeit without traditional intercourse, becomes creative and mind-blowing. Sometimes I am actually cuckolded which adds even more fun. I beg to fuck my wife and come inside of her, and being denied my request drives me insane. I do get the opportunity to release enough to keep my libido healthy, but I am never given enough sexual satisfaction to cause a drop off in my overactive sex drive. This is what we both would consider the pinnacle of our sexual dynamic.

Phase 3: Over time, the strain of being denied a thorough sexual release becomes too much. I need something to curb my sexual appetite, so I turn to porn and flood my brain with images and videos of the things that turn me on most. Any type of porn will do, but those with themes of cuckolding, foot worship, or interracial sex drive me into a frenzy.

Although the kinky sex between my wife and I is still hot, it doesn't satisfy the cravings. The constant stimulus of porn becomes commonplace, and not so intense to watch. But I keep a continuous flow of it like oxygen. I begin to edge myself to keep the intense images fresh and exciting.

Phase 4: Cuckold and interracial porn become so routine that I feel an urgency for my wife to be as insatiable as the hot wives and sluts on the screen. This is what I consider the beginning of the downfall. I change the standard of what I consider the perfect sexy wife to something unrealistic in my world.

To combat a libido that goes from pleasantly frustrated to an almost resentful state, I begin to look at even more kinky porn like sissy hypno videos. To be an actual sissy slut is my version of kink utopia. Nothing I can do in bed with my wife compares in intensity to the thought of her dressing me up in lingerie and choosing a real man to be her lover, treating me as a maid and fluffer.

Phase 5: My wife tires of my hair trigger cock having accidents in my panties and my failed attempts at fucking her without coming immediately, so she allows me more releases. She wants her dick back, so to speak. Granted, I am generally a premature ejaculator, so I am not adding on much time here. But when I get to release regularly, I am at least getting in a good ten to twenty seconds of pounding that she likes. So she just wants twenty seconds? It makes me wonder why she doesn't want more, and use her lifetime hall pass regularly. But by this time, I'm ready for the frustrating feelings to be over. It's good to get some regular pussy again. Which brings us back to Phase 1.

It's a cycle that repeats itself over and over again, and I will never know where I truly belong.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Cut off again

When I left you last, I had proven that porn didn't control my life and I was also having regular sex with my wife as well as masturbating, keeping me completely sexually satisfied. I wasn't really having any horny feelings at all and few kinky thoughts entered my mind. I was enjoying being free of the prison that was orgasm denial, and I wasn't about to change anything. But Mommy had other plans.

Long story short, I am cut off again. I'm being punished for my lack of service and attention. I am not sure how long this will last, but it will prove to be a lifestyle changer of sorts.

But what makes it interesting is that as soon as I was given this punishment, it was like my libido was awakened. I was instantly horny at the boundaries given to me. I always considered the length of orgasm denial as the main culprit of what makes my most intense arousal come alive. But here I was, more or less drained of all sexual tension. Like the switch was in the off position. Upon given the news that I was cut off, I was as horny as if I had been in chastity for a month. It gives a considerable amount of proof that being treated as an inferior is my sexual identity. Chastity only magnifies its effect, or gives it that extra buzz.

I think steering clear of my old porn habits can make things even more intense. I will focus all sexual energy on my wife. Sure, there will be slip-ups, but I will not desensitize myself by living with the constant feed of graphic adult themes and eye candy.

It is just unbelievable how much my demeanor has changed since Mommy brought me back "home".

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

30 Days Without Porn

Last week marked 30 days without viewing any type of pornographic videos. I would like to tell you that there is some big change in my attitude, but the truth is that the month flew by and I didn't even realize it for the most part. It doesn't really feel like a big accomplishment even though I could have never seen myself cutting it off completely before. It was an experiment without a definitive conclusion. Well, at least, not a conclusion I expected. I thought maybe after I achieved my goal, I would be chomping at the bit to watch some really hot sex clip and it would be so awesome that I would cum in my panties about 30 seconds in. The fact is, I never watched anything since the 30 day mark and I'll probably hold off even longer.

A funny thing happened (actually, I didn't find it funny at all) a couple weeks into my experiment. I stopped getting my regular erections. I was still horny, but I wasn't getting hard at anything aside from my morning wood. I first wondered if this is what happens as we age, but I'm still fairly young. So I wondered if it was indeed the absence of porn. Then I wondered if it was the years of off-and-on chastity to which I subjected my poor penis. I had also enjoyed the masturbating in a girly fashion (rubbing the underside of my penis through my panties, similar to how a girl can, and not getting fully hard) to the point where it felt better than merely stroking.

At any rate, this wasn't sitting well with my wife who had noticed the decline in my penile rigidity. Though I personally could handle living without erections and only getting off to the mindfuck of teasing my soft little clitty, my wife would never understand. She believes, as I'm sure most women do, that the absence of an erection is the absence of attraction. This was a fantasy that I wasn't going to live out and therefore had to be eliminated.

I began masturbating regularly. I felt that My penis needed exercise. It was the only solution I could think of. So that's what I did, without the presence of porn. I still have the images of my most kinky fantasies burned into my mind, and I didn't need to break my vow of no porn. From what I can tell, it has made a difference. I still suffer from premature ejaculation when having sex with my wife, so it hasn't cured everything. But things seem to be going in the right direction.

So maybe it could be said that I cheated to make it over a month without watching porn since I keep myself sexually satisfied at all times. It doesn't matter to me. I still achieved a feat that I couldn't dream of ever since the internet became a readily available tool for everyone. I have more time to engage in more worthwhile hobbies and real life. I'm sure there will be a time when I am just too horny and will really indulge in some hardcore vids, but I am going to try to keep those moments isolated and not such a big part of my life.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Two weeks without porn

Just an update on my progress in living without porn. I have now gone two full weeks without watching any type of pornographic video whatsoever. I have also tried to steer away from pornographic images as well (Tumblr and the like), even though that wasn't part of the deal initially. I still read blogs and go on Fetlife to indulge in my mental stimulation, which may have kept me from relapsing so far.

Two weeks without porn may not seem like such a big deal to some, and to others it may seem like I have achieved a substantial feat. As much porn as I now realize I would consume daily, you can trust me that I have made a huge change in my habits.

This wasn't some rock bottom resolution I had to make in my life. This was really just an experiment to see how my libido and body would handle the absence of stimulation. When I realized how much I really watched, I thought this change in habit would either leave me extremely horny for content or just make my normal horny feelings subside. Admittedly, I also wondered if the thought of not being "allowed" to watch porn would feel akin to my fantasy of not being allowed to watch real men fuck women the way I wish I could.

The first week was fairly easy, other than the remembering it takes to break this routine that I have had for fifteen years plus. The second week was a little more difficult, as I had quite a few urges to break the vow. To add to it, I got to have sex with my wife after three weeks of denial, and my libido got a nice jumpstart as it usually does. But I never broke the vow. I turned to focusing more on hobbies I have and that has put me in a much easier place now. Because in the beginning of this third week, I don't have a lot of horny feelings at all. I can see myself easily going 30 days without porn now. We will see how the second half of this experiment goes.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Taking a break from watching porn

For as long as I've had internet access, I don't think I've gone more than a week without viewing some kind of pornographic material. I never really gave it much thought until recently, because we all know that it has become the norm for most people to view videos of people fucking in whichever manner they like. But I haven't given enough credence to the fact that my habits are probably having a profound effect on my own sexual relationship with my wife.

When I am put on an orgasm schedule (which has now been the majority of my married life), I constantly think about sex. And watching porn has gone hand in hand with the horny feelings I seem to perpetually have. But I know that we get de-sensitized when we view it so much. I wonder what things would be like if I was horny and didn't have such a crutch. Would I obsess about it even more? Would I direct even more attention toward my wife? Or would the absence of constant stimuli make me less horny and frustrated?

I did an experiment years ago where I cut myself off from all nudity. The only exception being if I saw something in a vanilla movie or was exposed in any vanilla setting. If I recall correctly, I lasted somewhere between 5-7 days. And I could never get back on the wagon again, so to speak. I realized that it just wasn't realistic. I am now going to run an experiment, which technically started yesterday, to see if I can go two weeks without watching any pornographic videos. I think it is a realistic start. If I go two weeks with no problem, I will try to go for an entire 30 days. Then I will evaluate myself.

I will continue to frequent message boards and even Fetlife, and if I see sexy pictures, that is fine too. I just want to see if I can stay away from watching full on, pussy licking, cock sucking, penetration of wet pussy and tight ass, tits bouncing, beautiful women moaning, multiple position, hardcore sex on tube sites, as well as the Femdom stuff. When I put it like that, I realize this may be harder than I thought.