Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A failed attempt at manhood

It is tough living in a vanilla world and posing as a normal, everyday man. When I'm faced with real world situations, sometimes I have to step up and take charge. And when I do, I sometimes think about how the submissive me would have handled things. For one, I think the meshing of a submissive male in a vanilla lifestyle that suits the larger portion of me would be disastrous. I consider what I have in this world to be a blessing and am not about to screw that up. But also, I feel embarrassed when I think about how submissive I really am when I'm hiding behind an Alpha persona. Sometimes I think I forget who I am.

Pictured above is Phoenix Marie. I've racked my brain recently to select what I consider pound for pound the most personally appealing woman on the internet. My criteria for rating women is usually based on how much I'd like to serve and worship them. But it is a different story when considering a well-rounded, overall product. Obviously, I like to see women who know how to dominate. Phoenix has done work for Mean Amazon Bitches and has done a few cuckold films. But what I also love is curvy women with big boobs and butts. Phoenix has, for my taste, the perfect body. To add to all of that, she's got a gorgeous face, beautiful eyes, and I like her voice and the way she talks. There is no doubt that I fantasize about being dominated by her. But I find her so sexy that sometimes I fantasize about having sex with her. Not the kind where I lick her feet, eat her pussy, finger her to orgasm, and then pump for ten seconds until I come. I fantasize about being a real man and taking her like she needs it. Basically, she reminds me of my wife in the way she makes me want to be more than I really am from time to time.

This past weekend, I had a situation in which I was called upon to go above and beyond. Friday night, I was allowed to eat my wife out and get her off, but I wasn't allowed to come. Then came Saturday night which was my release date. I had been told for weeks that I'd be allowed to masturbate once I got her off. But she had other plans that night. After eating and fingering her to orgasm, she told me that she needed to get fucked. I told her that I wish her man was here. She said that she meant getting fucked by me. She told me she wanted me to fuck her hard. It was time for me to step up. She wanted me to be a man for her. The woman I love looked so sexy and I wanted to be a man for her as well. My erection was full and I was not going to pass up this opportunity. She was on her back and spread her legs. "Fuck me hard" is what she said as I got into position, but the moment got me too excited. I could feel the beginnings of an orgasm building up. I shoved my penis inside of my wife and immediately unloaded three weeks worth of semen. I tried to buck my hips in and out to the best of my ability, but the feeling of my orgasm being enhanced by her soft, warm, and wet pussy thwarted the attempt. Instead of fucking her hard the way she wanted, I was instead in a quivering mess on top of her. As I finished my ejaculation, I felt my penis immediately slink away, softening as it retreated from her pussy.

I was embarrassed. I couldn't even give her ten seconds of joy. She didn't make me feel too bad about it, but I know she was disappointed. I hope she thought of it as more of a testament to how excited I am with her. And I hope it doesn't deter her from us having these types of encounters. I will try to be better next time. The question is, will it be good enough?

Monday, November 19, 2012

Her panty boy

It is not like I am entering into uncharted territory, but my submission to my wife is on one of the higher levels that I've experienced in our marriage. This was evident this weekend when my wife took me panty shopping. It was just a normal shopping trip at your average department store, but when we walked by a section that had panties on sale, my wife suggested it was time for me to get some new ones. These were the more practical everyday wear panties than the sexy lingerie that I have gotten, so it was inferred that I would be wearing them a lot more often. This was very exciting for me, but there was a woman near where we were. I am not big on public humiliation, but my wife was more casual about it than I was. I tried to play it off the whole time, but I was glad to have experienced that overall since it had been so long since we did something like that.

The thing about being a panty boy for me is that I always worry that my wife is turned off by such behavior. She is a fairly vanilla type woman. But I am lucky that she actually finds it really hot that I wear sexy things for her. I have tried to explain before on this blog what makes me so horny when I wear panties. I do not get my arousal from seeing crossdressers or even seeing guys wearing panties. But the act in itself is arousing to me because my horny little peepee is encased in such a feminine, delicate, and pretty fabric and it makes me feel so unmanly, passive, and subservient. I think it reflects my sexuality perfectly. And luckily for me, my wife wants me to be that subservient boy who caters to her needs and gives her the sexual freedom to do what she wants. Perhaps she knows that panties fit the persona as well.

This weekend was also a time for much play in the bedroom. I got to get her off multiple times even though I wasn't allowed to have an orgasm myself. Although it has been a long time, there was talk that she is not finished cuckolding me. She assured me that although she loves the way we make love, there is something missing that she wants to experience again. She said she is ready to get fucked hard, for a long time, by a real man again. I understand completely, and I am ready to face the depths of what cuckolding can do for and to both of us.

I am supposed to be allowed to masturbate next weekend, so I am looking forward to that. I have a feeling that intercourse between us may be put off for a very long time. But I am thankful to have what I have.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Embracing our roles as Domme and sub

It's as if the wishes of my last blog entry were answered that very night. I was obviously horny as you can tell by my last entry, and when I got to bed, my wife was ready for some fun. We made out for awhile and after some heavy petting followed by some pussy eating, she asked if I wanted to fuck her. I was overjoyed, and I asked if I could come. She said yes, she told me I could have one more chance in her and it better count. She wanted me to fuck her really hard. She loves getting ravaged from time to time, and I try my best to be a man for her when she lets me. I shoved my stiff penis inside and she gave a moan of approval. I started bucking as hard as I could. Ten seconds later, I was coming in my wife. She told me to get down and lick her pussy clean until she came. After that, we held each other. She looked so happy and satisfied. I was too. Although it wasn't a very good performance by me, she appreciated my efforts.

The week that followed was a typical week, but I felt lazy. Lazy like a man who has gotten everything he needs and doesn't want for more. It must have showed in my attention to my wife because by the beginning of the weekend, she made a slight mention of it in passing. She laughed it off, though, as if it wasn't really a problem but more a fact of life: man gets content, man slacks off. She knows that it isn't my intention to become complacent. We have been at this for years now and she is probably getting to know my tendencies too well for me to manipulate them anymore.

By the time Sunday came, I was getting that horny feeling back again. We were on the couch watching tv and she told me her feet were cold. She told me to warm them up for her. After the week we had, which was quote vanilla, I was caught off guard. She told me, not asked me. Usually we have a discussion when things go back to domination mode. This time she just expected it. I must have been surprised not to react soon enough because she put my feet on her lap and said "rub my feet" in a serious tone. I quickly obliged and started getting some friction going on her feet with my hands. She then complained that they were not getting warm fast enough, so I got on the floor so I could get more leverage. Once I was making progress, she started to smile and approve of my work. My penis was rock hard. She had me in a trance and she knew it. Once I got her feet warm enough to her satisfaction, I started kissing them all over. It was my show of submission to her. She thanked me and told me to go make lunch. I was actually being ordered around with no forewarning. But it didn't matter. I was in slave mode as if a switch was flipped.

That night, I was absolutely into serving her, so I offered a pedicure. I had neglected her nightly foot massages lately and she was happy to see me so excited to make up for it. I was wearing nothing but a pair of silky pink panties with lacy ruffles. She loves having her little bitch back. After the pedicure, I gave her a back massage. This made her so happy that I ended up making out with her. This led to me servicing her orally. Once she had her orgasm, she looked at the stiff little soldier trying to bust through in my panties. She told me that I wasn't allowed to fuck her, but she allowed me to dry hump her leg for a little while. At that point, I was happy with any pleasure she bestowed on me. Besides, I had been turned on so much that I couldn't have handled her pussy anyway. I humped away like the dog I was until she grew tired of it. I was not allowed to come. She pulled me up to her and we cuddled. It felt so electric. I was up against the bountiful bosom of my Mommy and I wanted to stay there forever. She was ready to drift off to sleep, but she noticed that my boner was not receding. She told me to lay on the floor until I could control myself enough to join her in bed. And that is what I did.

This was as exciting an experience for me as any others we have lived as Dominant and submissive. The funny thing is, I was at the point of thinking that our peaks in this lifestyle had already been experienced and we had settled into a less extreme and normal protocol of our kinky relationship. I know I have said before that my wife may want my submission on a more permanent basis, but what happened Sunday felt like we are really coming into our own regarding that. Maybe my wife wants to keep me in the role of servant or maybe she likes both sides of me. At any rate, when you least expect it, a fun day like that happens. I hope this is a sign of things to come and an indication of the new norm rather than another peak that will not be experienced often.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

A Frustrating Ending to the Drought

Since early August, I had been on a strict chastity schedule with no intercourse and a masturbatory release every three weeks. Last weekend, the drought was finally ended. I was allowed to enter my wife, and came immediately. A day later, I was allowed a blowjob, and came in about ten seconds. That was the extent of my break from denial. A week later, it is even more evident that it wasn't enough for me. I am extremely horny for my wife and feel like last weekend never happened.

The last time I was denied the pleasures of my wife was from January to July. On the weekend that I was finally allowed to have sex, we did it multiple times and I was completely satisfied. It seems that my wife does not want a dropoff in my submission, therefore I will not receive complete satisfaction. I have been put back on the chastity schedule and it may be numerous months before I get another break. I asked how long this next bout would be, and she told me she didn't know. She said it will not be later than next summer, but that she may want me sooner than that. I imagine that she will indeed want to have sex with me before next summer, but the evolution in her denial of my sexual activity has me completely clueless as to my fate, which she has firmly in her grasp.

My thoughts on this are night and day compared to the period in July when I had an all access pass to her sex. Back then, I couldn't have imagined I would have the feelings I have now. I am genuinely frustrated. I want to have sex with my wife in the worst way. I want to caress her bare breasts while fucking her, and I want to suck on them as I pound away before coming inside of her. I just want more time before having to be in chastity. Unfortunately, my wife knows what makes me tick more than ever. She may never let me become the ungrateful idiot that I was back in mid July. I don't blame her.