As my chastity continues and my horn-fuled fantasies continue to get stronger and more detailed, another thing has started to stir my curiosity more and more. That is the "why" of it all. And I will say that analyzing the reasons I have the fantasies I do are becoming more interesting than the fantasies themselves lately.
I am a follower of Vanessa Chaland's blog mainly because I love hearing things from a dominant woman's perspective. One of her posts (link here) that stood out to me recently concerned the origins of having a sexually dominant demeanor. Now I have always been curious as to the reasons dominant women, and dominatrices more specifically, have taken the paths they have because the societal norm does not serve as a guide in these decisions. They have broken tradition in the most extreme way possible. I'm not talking about the woman who has a natural take charge attitude and has been raised to be independent in mind, body, and spirit. I'm talking about the woman who gets pleasure, even sexually, from treating men like shit, torturing them, and causing physical pain to them. This must have been sparked by something. I don't know what that is.
More to the point, I'm interested in understanding what makes any person become a sadist or a massochist and derive sexual pleasure from it. There are not a lot of surveys conducted on people who practice BDSM or D/s relationships that I know of, but I am very curious to know if there is a trend among people who had certain situations growing up or any other influential experience early on that leads to this behavior.
It is widely known that extreme events early in a person's life can have significant effects on their sexual thoughts and even situational preferences. Most often, those that seem to have no sexual boundaries are a product of a traumatic event or events that make them devalue themselves and more apt to let people exploit them sexually. Furthermore, those events also seem to conduct a rewiring of the brain which makes that person derive sexual pleasure from them. You often hear that this is the case for the majority of exotic dancers and adult entertainers. But does sexual sadism or massochism fit into the same mold?
I will reiterate that I am not talking about a person who is simply an alpha or submissive living in today's world. We are all born with some genetic predispositions and also raised and taught certain ways. Some are born and/or influenced to be leaders and some followers. It would be outright sexist to assume that naturally born alpha females or submissive behaving men must have had a traumatic experience to break their conformity. My curiosity is based solely on the sexual kink aspect. Take a Domme for example. Sure you are a strong spirited woman because you choose to be and all that. But haven't you wondered what it is about having someone grovel at your feet or inflicting pain that arouses you? Likewise with the sexual submissive of either gender. I understand you have this overwhelming purpose to serve and work hard for your partner to keep them comfortable. I get that. But how does that explain the intense level of sexual arousal that you get from doing their bidding or enduring humiliation for their entertainment?
I am what you would classify as a submissive, panty wearing cuckold in chastity when it comes to my sex life. However, I was born with the physical tools to be an alpha male. I am of above average height and proportional in build. I am of decent endowment and when I was younger and ejaculating daily, I could hold my own with a woman. I'm not saying I was a porn star, but I was not the premature ejaculating guy I am today. But I forewent the use of my physical tools and embraced a lifestyle that gave me more sexual satisfaction, clearly more mental. Even though I may have ruined myself sexually, I introduced to my wife a side of me that makes our sex life a lot more interesting and exciting.
Ms. Chaland's speaks of a situation in her blog post which suggests that events during childhood could indeed be a factor in wanting to cause pain to men. The experiences of which she writes make a lot of sense when it comes to cause and effect. But when I try to use my own past situation to justify my kinks, it becomes more evident that the complexity of life may be impossible to understand.
I have read of sexually submissive males who claim that they are a product of a household featuring a stern mother figure, sometimes with a submissive father. My situation was much different. I was from a broken home with divorced parents. I wasn't without necessities or poor or anything like that. But there just wasn't a lot of structure there. I lived with my mother who was timid and had low self esteem. My father was around, but only at his convenience. He was mostly unavailable when it came to raising me to become a man, let alone a good man. I definitely developed trust issues. I couldn't trust my mother to be strong enough to be there for me and I couldn't trust my father to care enough to be there for me. He disrespected women, especially my mother. Subsequently, I disrespected girls growing up as well. This could have been by my father's influence, but I think it had more to do with my own insecurities and low self esteem developed by my lack of parental leadership.
In any case, I look back at myself and see a kid who had three layers. I was overly mean to females on the outer surface. This went beyond your typical puppy love "I can't understand what I'm feeling so I'll just pick on you" attitude that is common among young boys. I never gave up and held ridiculous grudges that would become physical. This also went well into the age when other boys my age were starting to have girlfriends. I had a defense mechanism of hate and would never allow myself to get close to girls nor them close to me. Underneath that layer was my second layer, which was my complete love for girls. I had a crush on so many girls and fantasized about having them as girlfriends all the time. As a younger child, I dreamed of kissing them and as puberty hit, my fantasies turned sexual as any other kid's would. The thing is, my outer layer would never let this come to fruition. I would never attempt to make those dreams a possibility. Even when I did finally start dating, it was never with the girls I really liked. I chose the safe easy targets that I didn't respect.
And then there was my innermost layer. This was the side of me that wanted to be enslaved and humiliated by all females. This is where my most extreme sexual fantasies arose. It was about the girl I shoved to the ground in first grade, but later fantasized that she would tie me up, strip me naked, and laugh at me. It was about the girl in third grade who I made fun of, but would later fantasize that I was forced to kiss her feet in front of everyone. It was about the neighborhood girl in middle school who I cussed out every chance I got, but would later fantasize about being kidnapped by her and her friends and forced to wear nothing but her panties. This wasn't the only way I could draw sexual arousal, though. I also had typical vanilla sexual fantasies. But I couldn't deny this very intense part of me.
By the time I got to college, things started to get sorted out for the better. My overall outlook on things improved, as well as my interaction with women. Perhaps it was a much needed change in scenery or influence, but I eventually matured. Still having kinks of female domination, though, I felt that I was developing into two identities separate from each other. Having healthy relationships with women did not satisfy the urges that I still sought. Likewise, being a fetish junky wouldn't satisfy my desire to finally live a normal life either. At any rate, we have to choose a path in life and forever wonder what the other path would have given us. It wasn't until I confessed my fetishes to my wife that my two identities were able to merge. It is still a difficult life to live.