Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Reality of Being a Chastity Slave

Before I get to part two of my kinky origins post, I just have to share what happened last night. It was pretty intense for me.

But first, let me rewind to over a week ago when I had my last orgasm. It didn't really relieve much sexual energy since it had followed four weeks of denial. When I came, I didn't even make it inside of my wife. I just came on her pussy. She told me she felt bad that she made me wait so long, and that I'd get another chance very soon since she wanted me to get inside of her and pump as hard as I could. So I was looking forward to that.

So that brings us to last night, approximately ten days since that orgasm. I was locked the whole time and the point of me being able to fuck with any competence at all was long past. But I was still grateful that the lull had ended. My wife unlocked me and had me clean myself up. I got into bed with her and we started making out.

My penis reveled in its freedom as I was fully erect while kissing her. She started fondling my very sensitive and pulsating member. I was already feeling the beginnings of a potential accident start to creep up, so I had to back off a few times. I played with her pussy and got her wet. I then got a big surprise. She pulled one of her big tits out of her nightgown and had me suck on her nipple. For those of you who don't know, I rarely get to see my wife's naked breasts because, as she says, they get me too excited. But here I was, sucking on her breast for the first time in I don't know how long, and very quickly I was confronted with the possibility of coming prematurely. I had to back off and pull back away from her. She asked what was wrong and I told her I almost came.

"You can't handle them, can you?" she asked. It was a rhetorical question.

"No." I said in a quiet, defeated tone.

"I don't want you coming until you get inside of me", she said. She pulled her nightgown back up and I continued playing with her wet pussy. My wife loves sucking dick and I was pretty sure she was going to give me at least a small amount of mouth action. But as time went on, I realized that she wouldn't be risking me shooting all over the place. So I did what it was time for me to do which was go down on her.

It is no secret that a man who has been in chastity for any decent amount of time will be much more attentive and seem more skillful in his oral service. I have good oral skills and being denied the pleasures of my own release helps me focus on my wife's pussy that much more. As I licked, I fingered her and seemed to hit all the right spots. She continuously told me how good I was making her feel, and this continued into her explosive orgasm.

"Do you want to fuck me now?" she asked. She knew the answer to that. I couldn't wait.

"Yes, please." was my answer.

"You did such a good job on me that I think I'll lock you back up instead." she said.

"No, please!" I said. "I need to come."

"No", she said, "We both know you won't make it inside." She knew the truth. She pulled me up to her for a post orgasm embrace. "Besides, I like you like this." With that, she reached down and gave my super sensitive erection a few very delicate strokes, admiring her ownership of her toy. Then she ordered me to lock it back up. I was a complete mess, at the height of arousal and the urge to come was almost unbearable. But as I stared at my wife's voluptuous body, I only knew one thing and that was to obey. I put my cage on and gave her the key. Needless to say, I've been horny out of my mind ever since.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Where Do The Kinks Originate? Pt 1

As my chastity continues and my horn-fuled fantasies continue to get stronger and more detailed, another thing has started to stir my curiosity more and more. That is the "why" of it all. And I will say that analyzing the reasons I have the fantasies I do are becoming more interesting than the fantasies themselves lately.

I am a follower of Vanessa Chaland's blog mainly because I love hearing things from a dominant woman's perspective. One of her posts (link here) that stood out to me recently concerned the origins of having a sexually dominant demeanor. Now I have always been curious as to the reasons dominant women, and dominatrices more specifically, have taken the paths they have because the societal norm does not serve as a guide in these decisions. They have broken tradition in the most extreme way possible. I'm not talking about the woman who has a natural take charge attitude and has been raised to be independent in mind, body, and spirit. I'm talking about the woman who gets pleasure, even sexually, from treating men like shit, torturing them, and causing physical pain to them. This must have been sparked by something. I don't know what that is.

More to the point, I'm interested in understanding what makes any person become a sadist or a massochist and derive sexual pleasure from it. There are not a lot of surveys conducted on people who practice BDSM or D/s relationships that I know of, but I am very curious to know if there is a trend among people who had certain situations growing up or any other influential experience early on that leads to this behavior.

It is widely known that extreme events early in a person's life can have significant effects on their sexual thoughts and even situational preferences. Most often, those that seem to have no sexual boundaries are a product of a traumatic event or events that make them devalue themselves and more apt to let people exploit them sexually. Furthermore, those events also seem to conduct a rewiring of the brain which makes that person derive sexual pleasure from them. You often hear that this is the case for the majority of exotic dancers and adult entertainers. But does sexual sadism or massochism fit into the same mold?

I will reiterate that I am not talking about a person who is simply an alpha or submissive living in today's world. We are all born with some genetic predispositions and also raised and taught certain ways. Some are born and/or influenced to be leaders and some followers. It would be outright sexist to assume that naturally born alpha females or submissive behaving men must have had a traumatic experience to break their conformity. My curiosity is based solely on the sexual kink aspect. Take a Domme for example. Sure you are a strong spirited woman because you choose to be and all that. But haven't you wondered what it is about having someone grovel at your feet or inflicting pain that arouses you? Likewise with the sexual submissive of either gender. I understand you have this overwhelming purpose to serve and work hard for your partner to keep them comfortable. I get that. But how does that explain the intense level of sexual arousal that you get from doing their bidding or enduring humiliation for their entertainment?

I am what you would classify as a submissive, panty wearing cuckold in chastity when it comes to my sex life. However, I was born with the physical tools to be an alpha male. I am of above average height and proportional in build. I am of decent endowment and when I was younger and ejaculating daily, I could hold my own with a woman. I'm not saying I was a porn star, but I was not the premature ejaculating guy I am today. But I forewent the use of my physical tools and embraced a lifestyle that gave me more sexual satisfaction, clearly more mental. Even though I may have ruined myself sexually, I introduced to my wife a side of me that makes our sex life a lot more interesting and exciting.

Ms. Chaland's speaks of a situation in her blog post which suggests that events during childhood could indeed be a factor in wanting to cause pain to men. The experiences of which she writes make a lot of sense when it comes to cause and effect. But when I try to use my own past situation to justify my kinks, it becomes more evident that the complexity of life may be impossible to understand.

I have read of sexually submissive males who claim that they are a product of a household featuring a stern mother figure, sometimes with a submissive father. My situation was much different. I was from a broken home with divorced parents. I wasn't without necessities or poor or anything like that. But there just wasn't a lot of structure there. I lived with my mother who was timid and had low self esteem. My father was around, but only at his convenience. He was mostly unavailable when it came to raising me to become a man, let alone a good man. I definitely developed trust issues. I couldn't trust my mother to be strong enough to be there for me and I couldn't trust my father to care enough to be there for me. He disrespected women, especially my mother. Subsequently, I disrespected girls growing up as well. This could have been by my father's influence, but I think it had more to do with my own insecurities and low self esteem developed by my lack of parental leadership.

In any case, I look back at myself and see a kid who had three layers. I was overly mean to females on the outer surface. This went beyond your typical puppy love "I can't understand what I'm feeling so I'll just pick on you" attitude that is common among young boys. I never gave up and held ridiculous grudges that would become physical. This also went well into the age when other boys my age were starting to have girlfriends. I had a defense mechanism of hate and would never allow myself to get close to girls nor them close to me. Underneath that layer was my second layer, which was my complete love for girls. I had a crush on so many girls and fantasized about having them as girlfriends all the time. As a younger child, I dreamed of kissing them and as puberty hit, my fantasies turned sexual as any other kid's would. The thing is, my outer layer would never let this come to fruition. I would never attempt to make those dreams a possibility. Even when I did finally start dating, it was never with the girls I really liked. I chose the safe easy targets that I didn't respect.

And then there was my innermost layer. This was the side of me that wanted to be enslaved and humiliated by all females. This is where my most extreme sexual fantasies arose. It was about the girl I shoved to the ground in first grade, but later fantasized that she would tie me up, strip me naked, and laugh at me. It was about the girl in third grade who I made fun of, but would later fantasize that I was forced to kiss her feet in front of everyone. It was about the neighborhood girl in middle school who I cussed out every chance I got, but would later fantasize about being kidnapped by her and her friends and forced to wear nothing but her panties. This wasn't the only way I could draw sexual arousal, though. I also had typical vanilla sexual fantasies. But I couldn't deny this very intense part of me.

By the time I got to college, things started to get sorted out for the better. My overall outlook on things improved, as well as my interaction with women. Perhaps it was a much needed change in scenery or influence, but I eventually matured. Still having kinks of female domination, though, I felt that I was developing into two identities separate from each other. Having healthy relationships with women did not satisfy the urges that I still sought. Likewise, being a fetish junky wouldn't satisfy my desire to finally live a normal life either. At any rate, we have to choose a path in life and forever wonder what the other path would have given us. It wasn't until I confessed my fetishes to my wife that my two identities were able to merge. It is still a difficult life to live.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Chastity Update and Hypno Thoughts

A hypno file from one of my favorite Hypnodommes, Jenny DeMilo

It has been over a month since my last update on my chastity situation. After six or seven weeks dealing with this, I think I have a big enough sample size to explain how true chastity feels. If you'll remember, for several years I was on a three week release schedule (tentatively of course, but three weeks was the guideline) and I was able to deal with things a lot easier due to the fact that I could accurately anticipate relief to an extent. Now that I can't, I would consider my plight a whole different ball game.

I will say that with all the frustration of being in the dark about my own sexual releases, I have been able to experience some things that make my sex life a lot different in ways. With the absence of any stress on my wife's part to let me release on time, she has taken an attitude of "take my toy out whenever I want it". This can be good and bad. Sometimes she lets me out of my cock cage so I can fuck her (I still have to wear a desensitizing cockring and ball harness and take it slow), sometimes she even lets me cum, and sometimes she teases me by telling me I'll have to wait until next time to cum. These, for a chastity enthusiast like myself, are the good things about it. The massochistically intense feeling of having no say so and being denied hits some spots while the exhilaration of orgasm hits the others. The bad thing is that sometimes she doesn't want to play, as in not wanting to play for weeks at a time. This last bout had me denied orgasm for four weeks and being locked for three straight. You have to take the good with the bad I guess.

I found that my sex drive ebbs and flows like always, but my main objective is to try and keep my mind off of sex as much as possible until my wife wants to play. I try to focus on my vanilla hobbies more now, but that is still a challenge when your hormones are constantly knocking at your door demanding relief. Giving my wife body and foot massages are my main forms of dealing with a horny feeling. And when that isn't enough, I am lucky that my wife lets me engage in foot worship.

Still, as proven by my last bout of denial, I haven't been able to stay away from porn altogether. I still look at tumblr and still torture myself with my kinks. One of the things I have gotten into most is the hypno and erotic trance genre. I have mentioned watching sissy trainers and the like before. I've also been on some of the websites that offer free hypnosis files like Warp My Mind.

After months of sifting through this genre, I have come to the conclusion that these hypnosis clips and files are nothing more than encouragement to embrace the things you already love but might be too taboo to admit. I think there is a long-held misconception that hypnosis is supposed to get into your subconscience against your will and reverse the way you act or think about a certain thing. This seems to cause a lot of disbelief and skepticism about hypnosis among the general public. I believe that if it was more understood as a way to help the willing, it would be more accepted. In short, if you want it, hypnotism can help you be it.

For example, throughout my adult life, I have been fascinated in one way or another with the act of sucking cock. At first it was a naughty thought when I was stoned in my early college days. Over the years, there were many times when I fantasized about doing it as well. But it was never the main focus of my sexuality. Enter cock worship hypnosis. All you have to do is google some keywords and you'll find many hypnodommes who cater to this in audio as well as video form. I can say from what I've seen that it certainly brings out the cocksucker in anyone who has had any interest in it.

I also downloaded a free audio file from Warp My Mind that enhances the listener's obsession with female breasts. I haven't had time to completely trance to this, but I plan on it. I'm still not sure why I put myself through this torture because it really does nothing to curb my sexual appetite. It's like I have no control of myself in chastity and am consumed by the need to destroy my vanilla persona and reshape myself into the horniest freak possible.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I should mention my Tumblr page

I've always treated this blog as more of a reality-based look at how I deal with my kinks. About a year ago, I was looking at my favorite types of pictures on tumblr (Femdom, cuckold, feet, interracial, etc.) and decided that I'd subscribe to all my favorite pages to have my own feed of awesome genres. Finally, I figured I would showcase what I considered the best of the best pics and re-blogs on my own page. junior hubby's corner is treated differently than my normal blog because it reflects my more extreme fantasies in visual form. I'm not sure why I hadn't mentioned it earlier on here. But if you're into the same stuff I am and you like looking at pics, you should check it out.