Chastity is taking its toll. I haven't had an orgasm in over four weeks now, and it is quite possible I will eclipse the five week mark with no problem. It has been a busy couple of weeks with the winter weather and also our jobs. I'm pretty sure my wife doesn't know how long she has had me denied this time. She has a career that keeps her very busy as it is, and added events recently have made it even more so. But I wonder if it also has to do with my penis being of little use to her lately. With the magic that her Hitachi provides, it would stand to reason that she hasn't looked forward to our little penetration sessions in which I come immediately.
My wife reassures me at times that it is in fact because she is busy and that she always loves being with me. But I wish the reason that my penis, her property, is locked away for such a long time was mainly because of my inferiority. I know this may sound selfish, but it would in a sense justify my chastity a little more. I would feel like all is right. Because right now I don't feel that sense of direction that I've had in the past during long bouts of chastity. My wife would tease me and make me get her off multiple times. I would have a sense of self worth as her sex slave. Right now the absence of anything sexual starts to make the chastity, dare I say, pointless. The thing that helps my motivation is the nightly foot massage which is always performed even though we haven't touched each other intimately in two weeks. It puts me in the mindset that I don't deserve anything but her feet. But it is still tough to endure chastity in a non-teasing denial period.
Being what I consider a chastity veteran, this level of chastity doesn't bring on such an intense horny mind state the way it probably would for the average 'real man' who would need to go fuck something immediately. I mean, I still have an extremely elevated attraction to women when I haven't come in a long time. I look at average looking women and imagine how good it must feel to be with them. But instead of running around like a maniac with an erection that must plunge into something, my body has learned to adjust in different ways. It becomes a much more mental change than physical. My mind thinks of ways I can be of use without satisfying the manly urge. This is becoming redundant, but it is worth mentioning every time because it is fascinating how the human body can adapt. My senses get sharper. The smell and taste of a woman replace my need to empty into her as my sole focus. Obedience to a woman replaces the need to take her and conquer her. Becoming a woman replaces fucking her. My fantasies are a stark contrast to that of a typical male at this point.
It was no more evident than the other night when I was having trouble sleeping, which happens occasionally with long term denial. Eventually, I started to pretend like both my wife and I were curled up in each arm of a big strong man, cuddling with our master while he slept, sexually satisfied by us. I felt a sense of calm and dozed off into a peaceful sleep.
Now there is something I have never shared in this blog. I know I have given the impression that acting like a sissy is somewhat of a new obsession for me. But long term chastity has done this to me before. When I was about 23 and in my last semester of college, I was experimenting with orgasm denial, and I made it about six weeks which to this day I haven't surpassed. Being younger back then, it was more intense than now, and I was more horny than I am now. By the time I was a month into it, I was contemplating what it would be like to crossdress. It was still winter weather where I was, so I secretly shaved my legs and started painting my toenails. I started buying women's lingerie and wearing it. All behind closed doors without anyone's knowledge. I indulged my fetish on the internet but didn't masturbate, intensifying my want to live as a woman. I read up on hormones and started considering taking them. I chatted online with guys who wanted to help me become their tranny girlfriend.
Later in the semester, I decided that in order to graduate and start thinking about my career in the real world, I would need to end the charade and clear my head so I could make the best decisions possible concerning my future. I finally masturbated, not in the heat of horny frustration, but in an attempt to save myself. I got on my back, put my legs over my head, and positioned my boner above my mouth so that I could catch every drop. It was my farewell salute to sissyhood as I shot my gigantic load down my throat. For the next day, I masturbated over and over until I was completely drained, of semen and of any desire to be a sissy.
Chastity is fueling all of this. Sometimes I think I need to just beg my wife to ejaculate and get these thoughts out of my head. On the other hand, what is it really hurting? I shouldn't be ashamed that I have an appreciation for gay porn now, or that I want to experience bimbofication (the act of being transformed from a man into a complete barbie doll bimbo). Why not embrace this other side and enjoy it? Besides, what other option do I have? Nothing is going to change as long as my wife's property is locked away.