Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Should I be a sissy? Could I be a sissy?
I wrote a blog entry a while ago titled 'Why Sissify?' and I wonder if my recent events and thoughts reflecting them might contradict what I said back then. I still think most of what I originally said holds true. I am not a woman, and I do feel comfortable in my own skin in everyday life. I am quite comfortable with who I am as a person. But living as a sissy would be like the rush of adrenaline a skydiver gets when he starts his descent. He otherwise lives his everyday life naturally on the ground, safely, with no constant force of gravity pulling his entire body at a tremendous rate. That doesn't dissuade him from being a skydiver, from experiencing that rush as much as he can. I feel that for myself, although I get a feeling of great arousal by fantasizing that I'm a cock addicted female, I am not a woman trapped in a man's body.
It is obvious that my sexual desires do not reflect those of the man I am. I do not experience the pleasure of having sex with attractive females the way normal men do. I see a woman and although I may find her extremely hot in the exact same way a vanilla alpha male does, my thoughts do not turn towards intercourse. Instead, they turn towards ways I could worship her, be used and humiliated by her, and be taken down a level. I now find no greater way to prove to the woman that I am not an alpha than to want to be like her, feminine and sultry. Maybe it is along the lines of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". If I cannot get her into bed the way a real alpha male can, then I should accept my fate and be her slutty sister in arms.
It becomes clearer and clearer that my desires are purely sexually driven. It is not as if I want to get a sex change to be passable in public, or even be a part time drag queen. But what I do want is to be a whore for the use of men and the entertainment and service of women. I want to live the dream of being a hot blonde bimbo locked up in a fluffy pink cage where I can read my girly magazines, paint my toenails, apply and re-apply my lipstick, and do other things in anticipation for the moment when I am called upon by my Mistress to come out and perform my oral whore duties. Such is not a realistic scenario, but then again, life is not about living out sexual kinks 100% of the time.
I have said in the past that I shouldn't be allowed intercourse ever again. I took for granted the time long ago when I could fuck a pussy with any amount of effectiveness. I have become so overly sensitive that my stamina is gone. I have a penis that is, as my wife calls it "great to look at but not worth fucking". Now I'm starting to believe that I shouldn't even be allowed to masturbate like a man anymore. No more full strokes on my penis. It is not a penis anymore, not in the traditional sense anyway. It is more like a clit. Even that would be a disservice to women to compare my sissy stick to their beautiful anatomy. I still want to emulate them by masturbating like them. Only sensual rubbing with my fingertips of my most sensitive area through my panties should do, much like how a woman rubs her clit. Maybe if I get lucky, sometimes I could use my wife's Hitachi. That would be amazing, sharing a masturbation technique with my wife as if we were lesbian lovers. Of course, most of the time I am not allowed orgasm, so these would be very special treats when I could please my useless, girly, pantied, over-sensitive sissy stick. This could in fact be a realistic scenario.
Something I would need to remain is the privilege of orally worshipping my Mistress/wife in some capacity. Regardless of how gay I sound by writing about my sissy fantasies, it is from the female that I derive all of my sexual desires originally. I need to worship women. I love licking my wife's body, love tasting her pussy and ass, and especially her feet. If I was suddenly forbidden from worshipping all other parts of her body (in much the way I am forbidden to worship her breasts), I would need to continue to be allowed to worship her feet. To give tongue service to the lowest and dirtiest part of the female body makes me feel whole, like I am performing the act I was put on earth to do. I couldn't live a life of servitude without performing what feels to me as almost spiritual. As long as I had that, my mouth could otherwise serve as a sperm deposit for hard cocks all day long.
The rub in all of this, unfortunately, is that no matter if I have perhaps come upon a new horizon of sexual awakening, I cannot become a full sissy. Perhaps I can't become even half a sissy. My wife simply won't allow it. She wants a man for a husband and she wants the visual of a man in bed, no matter how inadequate I've become at it. She wants vanilla sex from me as much as I feel wrong giving it to her. She doesn't want me sucking men off even though she knows I'd like to. And she doesn't want me acting like a girl at all- it is gross to her. It pulls me in different directions because she listens to my fantasies with an open mind. She lets me wear panties all the time and had no problem with me being a maid in uniform as well as in duty. Yet I am not allowed to let go and endulge in my sexual interests to the fullest. The first rule of being a submissive husband is to always defer to her orders.
I am going to do whatever I can, however, to incorporate my sissy fantasies into my sex life, while at the same time being a formidable companion for my wife. I don't have it planned out yet, but I will eventually indicate to my wife that I like being a sissy and would like to explore it further. Whether it be my willingness to play maid on a much more frequent to even a regular basis, or to voice my fascination with sucking cock more often, my wife will know my desires. And who knows? Maybe, like cuckolding, another obstacle might surprisingly be overcome.