Chastity is taking its toll. I haven't had an orgasm in over four weeks now, and it is quite possible I will eclipse the five week mark with no problem. It has been a busy couple of weeks with the winter weather and also our jobs. I'm pretty sure my wife doesn't know how long she has had me denied this time. She has a career that keeps her very busy as it is, and added events recently have made it even more so. But I wonder if it also has to do with my penis being of little use to her lately. With the magic that her Hitachi provides, it would stand to reason that she hasn't looked forward to our little penetration sessions in which I come immediately.
My wife reassures me at times that it is in fact because she is busy and that she always loves being with me. But I wish the reason that my penis, her property, is locked away for such a long time was mainly because of my inferiority. I know this may sound selfish, but it would in a sense justify my chastity a little more. I would feel like all is right. Because right now I don't feel that sense of direction that I've had in the past during long bouts of chastity. My wife would tease me and make me get her off multiple times. I would have a sense of self worth as her sex slave. Right now the absence of anything sexual starts to make the chastity, dare I say, pointless. The thing that helps my motivation is the nightly foot massage which is always performed even though we haven't touched each other intimately in two weeks. It puts me in the mindset that I don't deserve anything but her feet. But it is still tough to endure chastity in a non-teasing denial period.
Being what I consider a chastity veteran, this level of chastity doesn't bring on such an intense horny mind state the way it probably would for the average 'real man' who would need to go fuck something immediately. I mean, I still have an extremely elevated attraction to women when I haven't come in a long time. I look at average looking women and imagine how good it must feel to be with them. But instead of running around like a maniac with an erection that must plunge into something, my body has learned to adjust in different ways. It becomes a much more mental change than physical. My mind thinks of ways I can be of use without satisfying the manly urge. This is becoming redundant, but it is worth mentioning every time because it is fascinating how the human body can adapt. My senses get sharper. The smell and taste of a woman replace my need to empty into her as my sole focus. Obedience to a woman replaces the need to take her and conquer her. Becoming a woman replaces fucking her. My fantasies are a stark contrast to that of a typical male at this point.
It was no more evident than the other night when I was having trouble sleeping, which happens occasionally with long term denial. Eventually, I started to pretend like both my wife and I were curled up in each arm of a big strong man, cuddling with our master while he slept, sexually satisfied by us. I felt a sense of calm and dozed off into a peaceful sleep.
Now there is something I have never shared in this blog. I know I have given the impression that acting like a sissy is somewhat of a new obsession for me. But long term chastity has done this to me before. When I was about 23 and in my last semester of college, I was experimenting with orgasm denial, and I made it about six weeks which to this day I haven't surpassed. Being younger back then, it was more intense than now, and I was more horny than I am now. By the time I was a month into it, I was contemplating what it would be like to crossdress. It was still winter weather where I was, so I secretly shaved my legs and started painting my toenails. I started buying women's lingerie and wearing it. All behind closed doors without anyone's knowledge. I indulged my fetish on the internet but didn't masturbate, intensifying my want to live as a woman. I read up on hormones and started considering taking them. I chatted online with guys who wanted to help me become their tranny girlfriend.
Later in the semester, I decided that in order to graduate and start thinking about my career in the real world, I would need to end the charade and clear my head so I could make the best decisions possible concerning my future. I finally masturbated, not in the heat of horny frustration, but in an attempt to save myself. I got on my back, put my legs over my head, and positioned my boner above my mouth so that I could catch every drop. It was my farewell salute to sissyhood as I shot my gigantic load down my throat. For the next day, I masturbated over and over until I was completely drained, of semen and of any desire to be a sissy.
Chastity is fueling all of this. Sometimes I think I need to just beg my wife to ejaculate and get these thoughts out of my head. On the other hand, what is it really hurting? I shouldn't be ashamed that I have an appreciation for gay porn now, or that I want to experience bimbofication (the act of being transformed from a man into a complete barbie doll bimbo). Why not embrace this other side and enjoy it? Besides, what other option do I have? Nothing is going to change as long as my wife's property is locked away.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Well, I've really outdone myself this time. I discovered someone, and I have a huge crush on him. Well, sort of. She used to be a he anyway. And she still has a dick. But ironically, that's the furthest thing from my mind when I think about Bailey Jay.
Bailey is a transsexual porn star. Due to my recent discoveries and interests in my feminine side, I have often frequented the shemale category when surfing the internet. It didn't take long before I found out about Bailey. The average shemale porn is very distinct. The girls usually have that look about them: not exactly a woman and a shit ton of makeup to cover up manly features. That never really bothered me anyway, but tranny porn is what it is. Bailey is different. If the first pic I saw of her wasn't of her stroking her impressive erection, I wouldn't have even considered, or believed for that matter, that she was born a male. I had to dig up as much info I could find of this hottie.
Born with very feminine features, she started crossdressing in her teen years. She was first discovered when she flashed people while in line at an anime convention, and then later had to confess to security that she was really a boy. Finding out that this really cute chick in a school girl's outfit was not actually a girl stunned most of the people there, and they still didn't fully believe it. This started a buzz over the internet, and subsequently snowballed into somewhat of a cult following. People wanted more of the girl they called "Line Trap" (named so because she was considered a trap by tricking guys into thinking they were ogling a girl). People started to confess that they didn't care what gender she was because they still loved her and wanted her.
She would soon resurface under the alias Harley Quinn and decided to give everyone what they wanted by doing shemale porn. Eventually she changed her name to Bailey Jay, launching her own website and her career continued to ascend. She ended up winning two AVN awards for best transsexual performer and two nominations for XBIZ in the same category. After seeing her in a few clips online and hearing several of her podcasts, a part of me fell in love with the pigtailed headphone wearing girl with a dick. In my opinion, she transcends the entire genre and unless I haven't found them yet, no other TS in the business comes close to matching her in charisma and beauty. While there are some really beautiful transsexuals in the business who are quite passable, Bailey is the total package (no pun intended).
Ok, so Bailey Jay looks like nothing other than a gorgeous biological female. So what? There are a million hot women alive, and they even have vaginas. Why am I crushing so hard on a tranny? Maybe I've become so into cock that she becomes the perfect mix of beauty and kink for me. But then I thought it might be because I not only want to be with her, I want to be her. If I could be that pretty and still have the sex drive that she obviously has, I'd love to take it as far as possible. That lifestyle seems appealing to me.
But truth be told, I have a lot of admiration for Bailey as a person. She took what she was given and made a success of it. She transcended shemale porn just as she transcended what I thought previously about shemales. She took a genre that had its place in my rotation, but perhaps for the wrong reasons. Shemale porn for me was all about the humiliation of wanting to slut out like the sissy I am with another sissy, because I didn't deserve a real woman. Bailey teaches me that I can look at a transsexual and admit attraction that goes beyond sexual kinks. I want to hold her, kiss her, and even cuddle with her, and dare I say, be a real man for her, much like the many bio women I have crushed on throughout my life.
All things considered, I really hope this obsession dies down soon. After all, I'm married, she's married, and there's nothing I can do about it anyway. But I know for sure that Bailey has secured a place in my top ten favorite women, probably permanently.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I wrote a blog entry a while ago titled 'Why Sissify?' and I wonder if my recent events and thoughts reflecting them might contradict what I said back then. I still think most of what I originally said holds true. I am not a woman, and I do feel comfortable in my own skin in everyday life. I am quite comfortable with who I am as a person. But living as a sissy would be like the rush of adrenaline a skydiver gets when he starts his descent. He otherwise lives his everyday life naturally on the ground, safely, with no constant force of gravity pulling his entire body at a tremendous rate. That doesn't dissuade him from being a skydiver, from experiencing that rush as much as he can. I feel that for myself, although I get a feeling of great arousal by fantasizing that I'm a cock addicted female, I am not a woman trapped in a man's body.
It is obvious that my sexual desires do not reflect those of the man I am. I do not experience the pleasure of having sex with attractive females the way normal men do. I see a woman and although I may find her extremely hot in the exact same way a vanilla alpha male does, my thoughts do not turn towards intercourse. Instead, they turn towards ways I could worship her, be used and humiliated by her, and be taken down a level. I now find no greater way to prove to the woman that I am not an alpha than to want to be like her, feminine and sultry. Maybe it is along the lines of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". If I cannot get her into bed the way a real alpha male can, then I should accept my fate and be her slutty sister in arms.
It becomes clearer and clearer that my desires are purely sexually driven. It is not as if I want to get a sex change to be passable in public, or even be a part time drag queen. But what I do want is to be a whore for the use of men and the entertainment and service of women. I want to live the dream of being a hot blonde bimbo locked up in a fluffy pink cage where I can read my girly magazines, paint my toenails, apply and re-apply my lipstick, and do other things in anticipation for the moment when I am called upon by my Mistress to come out and perform my oral whore duties. Such is not a realistic scenario, but then again, life is not about living out sexual kinks 100% of the time.
I have said in the past that I shouldn't be allowed intercourse ever again. I took for granted the time long ago when I could fuck a pussy with any amount of effectiveness. I have become so overly sensitive that my stamina is gone. I have a penis that is, as my wife calls it "great to look at but not worth fucking". Now I'm starting to believe that I shouldn't even be allowed to masturbate like a man anymore. No more full strokes on my penis. It is not a penis anymore, not in the traditional sense anyway. It is more like a clit. Even that would be a disservice to women to compare my sissy stick to their beautiful anatomy. I still want to emulate them by masturbating like them. Only sensual rubbing with my fingertips of my most sensitive area through my panties should do, much like how a woman rubs her clit. Maybe if I get lucky, sometimes I could use my wife's Hitachi. That would be amazing, sharing a masturbation technique with my wife as if we were lesbian lovers. Of course, most of the time I am not allowed orgasm, so these would be very special treats when I could please my useless, girly, pantied, over-sensitive sissy stick. This could in fact be a realistic scenario.
Something I would need to remain is the privilege of orally worshipping my Mistress/wife in some capacity. Regardless of how gay I sound by writing about my sissy fantasies, it is from the female that I derive all of my sexual desires originally. I need to worship women. I love licking my wife's body, love tasting her pussy and ass, and especially her feet. If I was suddenly forbidden from worshipping all other parts of her body (in much the way I am forbidden to worship her breasts), I would need to continue to be allowed to worship her feet. To give tongue service to the lowest and dirtiest part of the female body makes me feel whole, like I am performing the act I was put on earth to do. I couldn't live a life of servitude without performing what feels to me as almost spiritual. As long as I had that, my mouth could otherwise serve as a sperm deposit for hard cocks all day long.
The rub in all of this, unfortunately, is that no matter if I have perhaps come upon a new horizon of sexual awakening, I cannot become a full sissy. Perhaps I can't become even half a sissy. My wife simply won't allow it. She wants a man for a husband and she wants the visual of a man in bed, no matter how inadequate I've become at it. She wants vanilla sex from me as much as I feel wrong giving it to her. She doesn't want me sucking men off even though she knows I'd like to. And she doesn't want me acting like a girl at all- it is gross to her. It pulls me in different directions because she listens to my fantasies with an open mind. She lets me wear panties all the time and had no problem with me being a maid in uniform as well as in duty. Yet I am not allowed to let go and endulge in my sexual interests to the fullest. The first rule of being a submissive husband is to always defer to her orders.
I am going to do whatever I can, however, to incorporate my sissy fantasies into my sex life, while at the same time being a formidable companion for my wife. I don't have it planned out yet, but I will eventually indicate to my wife that I like being a sissy and would like to explore it further. Whether it be my willingness to play maid on a much more frequent to even a regular basis, or to voice my fascination with sucking cock more often, my wife will know my desires. And who knows? Maybe, like cuckolding, another obstacle might surprisingly be overcome.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Funny things happen to a man when he is denied the wonderful biological function that is orgasm. It would stand to reason since humans are designed for one main purpose: reproduction. So when a man messes with his biological functions, wires probably get crossed and behavior tends to shift because of this. My behavior is extremely modified by chastity and orgasm denial. My sexual kinks take a higher priority in my life. My desire to submit to my wife as her slave becomes more and more with each day I'm denied. My desire to be taken down a level among humans takes over my psyche that was once dominated by typical alpha male competition in society. Another thing that happens after long periods of chastity is my desire to be emasculated to the point of feminization. I begin to grow fond of being a sissy and my desire to suck cock surfaces. Since playing sissy maid with my wife, I have become more open to the thought of taking it further, to the thought of living life as a sissy cocksucker.
I have had wonderful thoughts of being feminized by a female throughout my entire life. I would even fantasize as a kid that some of the neighborhood girls would kidnap me and make me wear nothing but panties just for their laughter and entertainment. But once I discovered masturbation, all of my kinkiest fantasies went away. I was finally sexually satisfied and not constantly horny, so I came to the conclusion that sexual satisfaction in the form of orgasm was in fact the cure for my "nasty", "disgusting", and "unnatural" thoughts. As I masturbated at least daily and usually more, the kinky thoughts were locked away in a safe that I forgot about more and more as my life went on and I was able to focus on my biological male urges and what society wanted for me: to be the most alpha male I could be.
It was years later, when I discovered my first pornographic representations of female dominance, that my kinks started to return. I was realizing that I was but one of a great many that had ever been aroused by the thought of submitting to a woman, worshipping their feet, and being treated as their pet. As I learned soon after about chastity, it gave me even greater courage to reopen the safe that stored my kinks. As I denied myself orgasm, the desire to be kinky returned. Armed again with my naughty thoughts, I experienced the most intense orgasms. However, the extreme shame I felt post-orgasm would always occur. It has, for most of my life, left me with one question. Are my kinks (femdom, chastity, puppy play, extreme cuckolding, feminization, homosexuality, etc.) the result of my true inner self or is it just something fueled by my body's distress signal telling me I need to orgasm to right the ship?
Bringing you back to present day, I have revealed that playing sissy maid was somewhat of an eye opener. It is the reason I have given this entire subject such deep thought. I now want to further explore my desire for being a sissy. Although I can't explain exactly what hooked me on this obsession, I know that I want more. Maybe it falls under the idea that once you do something enough, it becomes normal. Being exposed in such a state in front of my wife made me feel like I could do it without any reservations. I decided to explore more of my sissy side. But I have always felt drawn away by my biological makeup as a man. A fellow blogger suggested I start listening to erotic hypnosis and watching trainer clips that deal with being a sissy. Now I've heard of these things before, but always fell on the skeptical side. I realize the common misconception with hypnosis in the mainstream. Everybody knows that cliche in which the hypnotist dangles a medallion in front of someone and makes them do whatever the hypnotist wishes. But hypnotism in reality deals with manipulating a person's thoughts on a subconscious level. Whether or not you believe in it is irrelevant. I can't say for myself that I do completely. But I am willing to try anything to make myself more comfortable with accepting something that society considers questionable behavior.
I started looking at many different sissy blogs and some of them have video clips called sissy trainers. I was intrigued by the ones that dealt with cocksucking. Hot women, sissies, and sometimes men worshipping big cocks of all shapes and colors, luring you into desire usually with a woman's voice in the background, telling you how much you want it. It may not be hypnotism per se, but it has done a great job in increasing my interest to suck cock. What has traditionally been the occasional fantasy has turned into more of a craving or need. The idea of sucking a big hard cock is now as pleasing to me as submitting to my fantasy women or being cuckolded. Not being attracted to men overall, I have always had reservations about seeing anything other than the penis. Glory holes or masked guys with hard cocks were more my preference.Now it seems I don't care if I stare into his face and get a full glimpse of him, knowing he is a man, yes, a man with a need to have his erection serviced and taken care of, until he is satisfied. The thought alone makes my own peepee grow.
Whatever is happening to me, it is working. I plan on continuing my "training" through these and other sissy related clips, as well as erotic hypnosis sound clips if I have to order them myself. Whether it is because of my chastity or my willingness to let go of society's boundaries, something is definitely changing in me. I've never believed this to be true before, but I am now saying with confidence that if I was able to do anything at all right this minute, it would involve me being on my knees in front of my wife and her boyfriend, fluffing his cock with my mouth, my silky pink panties wet with precum from my twitching boner. Soon they tire of me and direct me to crawl back into my cage. It is time for Mommy and Daddy to become one, and as they fuck the night away, I am locked up safely, basking in the knowledge that I am exactly where I have always belonged.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
During the period of time my wife and I have played our Femdom games, we have always thrown around the idea of doing the sissy maid thing. It was always on my list of fantasies and my wife even thought the idea of completely emasculating a male to do her bidding was interesting. Several years ago, we got a French maid's Halloween costume, but it ended up not fitting. The idea was put on the back burner as real life went on. But I guess it was because of the chastity I've recently endured on a more intense basis that the idea and the fantasy grew on me more than ever. I went ahead and bought a new French maid's outfit that was my size and we decided that we would finally play out this scenario.
The plan was in place once I bought the outfit. All I had to do was put it on and my wife was to take it from there. We had a day with the house completely to ourselves. She told me it was time, and I knew what to do. She sat on the couch and waited. Fortunately for me, I was out of my chastity device and on the honor system due to being allowed intercourse the week prior and a gesture of mercy from my wife. First I put on a black g-string that I thought would be a good match, then I put on the outfit complete with the little lace headpiece and presented myself to her. She laughed hysterically and most genuinely. This was different, not like the simulated humiliation we've played around with. It was the humiliation that I had been looking for. The kind where you start to question whether or not this was a good idea. I said as much, and she told me that "No, it is good", all the while continuing to laugh. She then told me to get to work on the living room and then the kitchen while she watched TV. As I picked up, dusted, and vacuumed the living room, I would look over at her periodically and she would give me the smile as if letting me know that we both know who is the bitch here. After the living room, I got to work on the kitchen. I had been keeping it fairly clean in my own daily duties, so it wasn't very dirty. With still some finishing up to do on my part, she told me she was going upstairs to the bedroom where I would be cleaning as well.
After I finished the kitchen, I made my way to the master bedroom. She had changed into a sexy robe and was lying on the bed playing on her phone. She looked at me and laughed again, asking if I was having fun. The fact of the matter is that I was indeed having a great time. I can't explain it exactly, but having her see me like that made me feel so alive. Here I was, dressed like some woman trying to spice things up between she and her man, but not only were the roles reversed, I was laboring for a spouse that had turned into my demanding boss. And I loved it. Shedding my masculinity in her presence was so uplifting that I was scaring myself thinking about how far I could take this. She told me to straighten up the bedroom and vacuum before starting on the master bathroom.
Before getting started, I asked if she'd like a drink. She told me to get her a beer, and raised her bare foot to the crotch of my panties. As she felt the dampness, she commented on the amount I had leaked. I told her I was very aroused being her maid. She then asked why I wasn't getting hard though. I told her that I guess all of the chastity had trained my peepee to not get hard and instead just leak, which was truthfully my guess as well. Even this admission was exhilarating, telling her of my own lack of sexual function. After fetching her drink, I continued my cleaning, prancing around in my dress and finally finishing every task set forth.
Having had enough of my work, she called for me to take off my outfit and join her in bed. But first, I knelt on the floor next to her where her sexy legs teased me. After licking her feet for a short while, my peepee finally got hard. Foot worship never fails and I knew it. That is when I started making out with her. Getting her hot enough, I went down on her and licked until she was ready for the Hitachi. As her toy began its job, I tried giving her my erection to suck on while she built up her own orgasm. I was having trouble with the sensation her mouth provided, so we stopped that and I focused on her. Not much longer, she was coming very hard on her toy. Then we held each other in her post-orgasm buzz. During the embrace, she teased me that she really wished I could fuck her. I said I'd like to try, but she told me I couldn't handle it. She stroked my throbbing erection and my jerks and panting were evidence that I couldn't be trusted for two seconds inside of her without coming. She told me that this is why I wouldn't be inside of her today.
Upon reflection of these events, I cannot tell if my discovered fondness for being a sissy is just a phase caused by the newness of the experience or something I will continue to want more and more. I know my recent chastity bout has had an adverse effect on my brain when it comes to my sexuality. I have wanted more and more to be denied sex forever while taking more of a service role. This could also explain my craving for being as little of a man to my wife as possible. It might be something that will pass when my brain realizes how I have forced my body to manipulate it. But still, the questions remain. Why did I feel so alive? Why was I so much more comfortable in this role? Have I found my calling? Not that it matters, because it will never be my lifestyle moving forward. At least, not as long as I live under my wife's roof. It isn't what she wants in a husband. This isn't practical with the comfortable vanilla structured life we have built for ourselves, and that's ok. Life is not defined solely by one's sexual fetishes, and they probably shouldn't even be the main drive in a person's life. But playing sissy maid definitely has awakened something in me.