Wednesday, December 4, 2013

My New Prison


I ordered a new chastity device which arrived the other day. It was an impressive eight year run with my CB-3000, but it was time to move on. I was getting tired of the hygiene issues with the enclosed 3000 model, and also felt that taking it off for every shower gave a less genuine feel to my chastity overall. So after conversing with my wife, we decided it was time to move to a steel model. I ordered a Birdcage model.

The first thing that drew me to this design was the look of being trapped behind bars. My wife can tease my penis a lot more through the bars than she could in a plastic tube. It also has room for my penis to grow when becoming aroused. It still prevents a full erection, but I don't have the issues of being too bunched up and pulling against my scrotum the way the CB-3000 had when I started to grow. Lastly, I liked the way this design would help me keep clean. I can shower with it and my penis gets clean too. And it is much easier to pee by positioning my urethra between the bars than it was lining up with the 3000's pee hole.

The mistake I did make was ordering this one for as cheap as possible. The retailer I found online claimed it was stainless steel. When it arrived, though, I tested it with a magnet and it failed. True stainless steel is not magnetic, yet the magnet stuck right to the cage. Lesson learned. I will just have to use this thing until the chrome plating wears off and make a more wise purchase next time.

Still, I'm looking forward to being in an actual cage now and going long bouts without removing it. And hopefully some adventures to go along with that.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

You think you communicate with your significant other? Communicate some more

This past weekend was great in terms of intimacy with the wife. We had sex three nights in a row. Well, technically, I got my wife off three nights in a row but we didn't have intercourse. In fact, I didn't get to orgasm at all. But what was so great about it was that we finally got a lot of time to play. This was unusual.

Now I have mentioned in the past that my wife and I are not perfect for each other sexually. She loves having an attentive husband, but also likes to get fucked hard from time to time. I like a dominant wife in bed who isn't afraid to treat her hubby like the sissy he is and seek other, more able men for her raw sexual gratification. But even though we aren't a perfect match, the fact of the matter is that sex isn't everything when it comes to a marriage. Yes, it is a very important thing, but there are other very important things that make a marriage tick as well. So in bed, all we can do is be the best we can for each other.

I often get too caught up in wishing for more dominance from my wife, as well as more initiative on her part to engage in extra-marital activities. But, like this past weekend, sometimes I am reminded that the key to my greatest kinks are right in front of me. I can honestly say that my fantasies cannot compare to the arousal I've experienced at the hands of my wife personally. Sure, these real-time experiences are few and far between the plethora of filthy thoughts I have almost every waking moment of the day. But when my wife is on, as they say, and real experiences are had, I don't even think about the fantasy stuff.

Working towards my goal of taking a more proactive role, I reminded my wife of the kinks this weekend. Knowing that she had heard me say this many times before, I continued to drive home what I loved about being her submissive. I mentioned how ejaculating feels better physically but doesn't give me the mental and full body high that being denied does. I told her how much I loved handing over ownership of my penis to her. I even had a candid but in no way suggestive conversation about my already known ideal scenarios in bed (denying me forever and turning me into a massage boy only, etc.). I knew that communication was always the key.

My wife wanted to reward me for pleasuring her so well by unlocking me for the night to sleep better. It showed that even though I think I have shown her what I like about the lifestyle, she still doesn't completely understand how much I do. I told her that the best reward for me is for her to keep her toy locked because it isn't mine. She gave a somewhat surprised and excited ok, and I reiterated to her that I really needed her to own this penis between my legs. I told her how wet my panties get when she is selfish and puts me in my place. And she gave the pleasantly surprised look like she always gives and tells me she has it too good. I thought she already knew this about me.

My wife and I have been playing the Femdom and chastity games for nearly a decade now. During this time, we have talked about our desires in bed what I would consider a great deal. But I'm learning that you can never stop communicating and must always reassure each other that you are both still in this thing 100%. It may seem redundant, but continuing to discuss in detail the specifics of what you love about sex and the kinky lifestyle in general will remind your partner of some of the things that eventually fall by the wayside. You might worry that you may be topping from the bottom, just as I do. But when I find that my wife considers these confessions of submission a gift, I know that I'm only helping her understand me better.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Taking a More Proactive Role

A lot of cuckolds say that they are in it mainly because their wife's pleasure comes first.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are some selfish reasons why I enjoy my wife getting fucked by another man.  The humiliation which justifies my submissive stature comes to mind.  But maybe there is some truth to the fact that when she receives an orgasm in a primal, male on female, powerful way that I cannot provide, her satisfaction is my satisfaction.  I mean, why do I subject myself to such denial?  Here she is, the object of my desire.  I absolutely explode when I get to fuck her.  So why do I get even more aroused when my wife denies my throbbing erection the chance to enter her sexy body?  Why don't I just take back what is mine and fuck her, releasing all of this pent up frustration?  Why is it more arousing to me for a more capable man to take care of her instead?

My only answers to these questions could easily be related to my own ability to perform.  It is well known that I am terrible at fucking anymore.  On a good day I might be able to last ten seconds. And on those very rare circumstances that I have been ejaculating regularly and sensitivity isn't the issue, I have trouble staying hard for a decent amount of time.  I simply cannot fuck my wife the way she loves to be fucked, hard and long.  But not only is she missing out on those intense feelings, I myself wish for her to have these intense feelings. There is nothing more arousing to me than the thought of my wife in the throes of ecstasy in the most primal mating ritual known to humankind. Perhaps if I could provide that feeling to her by myself, I would not have such a strong affinity for the cuckold lifestyle.  But to combine my wife having that feeling of utmost raw sexual pleasure with my inherent submissive craving of having another man provide it, is a feeling nothing short of mind blowing for me.

The worst thing about being in chastity (besides the peehole not lining up every time, of course) is that my wife and I are not in sync with each other when it comes to how we prioritize sex.  She has orgasms whenever she wants, so she takes sex for granted.  Being satisfied can put the want for sex on very low priority.  I, on the other hand, have sex on my mind the majority of the time due to not getting that sexual pleasure and satisfaction.  There is no greater evidence that the main purpose for humans is to procreate than how my want and need to experience sex becomes more and more with each passing day that I'm denied orgasm.  Within a week of chastity, sexual thoughts over-saturate my mind and maintain a steady monopoly over my thinking patterns until I am granted an ejaculation.  Couple this with the fact that I was already more perverted than she was to begin with, and it is a hard fought battle to get us on the same page sexually when also dealing with our otherwise vanilla lives.

I mentioned a few months ago that I would need to re-adjust my way of thinking when it comes to our sexual escapades.  My wife wasn't actively cuckolding me anyway, so I figured I should try to become a better lover for her.   Well, I hate to admit that the efforts are failing.   I don't know if I'm just getting older and less virile or just too far in my own head as a submissive, but wifey is left wanting more all the time.   I know i said she is satisfied overall, but when she is in the mood and I can't give it all to her, it is evident.  She settles and her expectations are lowered.  I tried the numbing cream in the condom trick, and I couldn't stay hard. I proposed the idea of buying a cock sheath, but she'd rather have the real thing.  The only thing left for me to do is try to encourage her to get back into the hotwife mindset.

From the beginning, she has always thought favorably about the thought of sleeping with other men while I stayed faithful.   At first, she just liked the fantasy.   But she gradually took to the thought of making that fantasy a reality.  Once I was eventually cuckolded, she never had any regrets.  The only problem that has made things go cold is a busy vanilla lifestyle.   My biggest challenge is going to be figuring out a way that we can find time for this as well as figuring out a more local option.  Oh, and if it wasn't enough of an uphill battle, I also have to deal with sex being of lower priority to her than me.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will do whatever I think will help.   Whether it be making her feel sexier, making time for date nights that include public hang outs, perhaps putting the feelers out on local swinger sites, or whatever else I can do to get the ball rolling, I have to take a proactive role if I want anything to change.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Boobs, finally!

It is pretty sad when I can't even remember the last time this happened. I think it was in the ballpark of two years since I last saw my wife completely naked. Allow me to give some background.

For those of you who aren't familiar with me or my blog, I normally don't get to see my wife topless. It isn't due to a lack of intimacy or anything like that. It was by her design and sparked by a rather regrettable comment I made several years ago. I was fucking her (yes, this was back when I could last a couple minutes inside of her), and her tits were bouncing back and forth to my rhythm. This was the first sign of my stamina problems. The sight of her big, beautiful tits in motion had me nearing orgasm sooner than she wanted. I told her to put her top back on. I told her I was going to come if I saw her big boobs any longer. She put her top on and I gained some control of myself.

Later on, in the heat of a Femdom scene between us, I mentioned that I didn't deserve to see her beautiful breasts because I was nothing but her slave. She really took to the idea and added that I couldn't handle seeing them during sex anyway. I mean, she really took to the idea in a way I could never have predicted. From then on, I have lost all control over what I get to see of my wife. She has never allowed me to be in the same room with her while she changes clothes, and I have often pleaded with her to lift this ridiculous ban, to no avail. To make things even more intense, her lover has sucked on, fucked, and come on her 40 DD tits many times since my restriction from them. Every once in awhile, I would get the special treat of seeing her topless, but those are very rare. And during the last couple of years, I have only gotten her to pull a nipple out here and there for me to suck on. That is, until the other night.

I was told recently that I may get to see her topless because she felt sorry for me waiting all this time. After years of looking at porn and on Tumblr at big tits that resemble my wife's, I was so excited to finally get to see the real thing again. The other night, while making out, I had her panties off. Then my wife told me to sit back for a second. As I did, she removed her tank top and I was treated to the fully naked Goddess that I live to serve. She grabbed my erection and stroked it. I didn't know what to do, so I asked her if I could play with her boobs. She said yes and I grabbed them. They made my hands look so small. I quickly went down and buried my face in them. Licking the cleavage, sucking the nipples, and caressing against the soft, pillow-like mounds, I was in a utopia that I never wanted to end.

After letting me do this for a good amount of time, she lifted my head up and went for my penis. She started sucking me. I think it was the amazing feeling of her mouth mixed with the full sight of her voluptuous body that made me unable to handle her mouth. She hadn't been sucking me for five seconds when I had to pull out. She told me I wasn't allowed to come. She allowed me to ejaculate a week prior, and she told me it will be weeks before I got to do that again. So to make the torture of her awesome tits complete, I was only to be teased this time. I gave the signal that I had regained composure and she went back down on my throbbing erection. It felt even more amazing and I pulled back. The sight of her body was too much. I couldn't believe I took this for granted many years ago when her body was mine to do with what I pleased. I was fully aware that those days were long gone. I begged her to let me come, on her tits, in her mouth, just anywhere. She said no.

We rotated between me sucking her tits, her stroking me, licking my poor throbbing penis, and rubbing it against her nipples, all while I played with her wet pussy. When I just couldn't take any more torture, I went down on her. I worked her with my tongue and fingers until she came, and it was back to my torture session. She slowly and very lightly stroked me until I couldn't even take that anymore. That is when she decided I have seen enough of her. She put her top back on and told me to calm down and lock my penis back up. I did as told while she fell asleep. I got to see Mommy's boobs! I wonder when that will happen again.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Blue Ball Monday

One of the things I used to do on my old blog was a series called 'Blue Ball Monday'. With our busy lives even to this day, the only consistent window of opportunity for my wife and I to play in bed usually falls on Sunday night. Not including our rare date night opportunities, some of the most kinky and intense things would happen on Sunday nights for us. And, usually, I was denied orgasm and left so horny that my blue balls would burden me into the next morning.

Last night put me in that same mindset to write about my feelings today. I got my wife off three times by hands, mouth, and hitachi, the whole time being ridiculed about how she needed to be fucked properly and wished I was capable. Yet she denied me access inside of her. After she came for the last time, I was treated to a tease and denial session for a good while before she grew tired and went to sleep, leaving me rock hard. The prospect of seeing her naked breasts in the near future was mentioned, which only made the tease more intense since it had been years since I last saw them fully exposed.

I when I woke up this morning, got ready, and headed out for work, my mind was swirling with thoughts of sex. Naughty, kinky sex. The kind that arouses me most. I started to wish I was a woman. A beautiful blonde with big tits. I wanted to be dressed in slutty lingerie, complete with lucite heels, and suck off one hard cock after another until I was too full of sperm to walk.

Then I started to think of how hot women are to me. What any pretty woman can make me do. I could be such a loyal pet for any woman who wanted to debase me and revel in her control over another human being. Put me in a dog kennel at night for all I care, as long as you let me out every once In awhile to play and let me lick the dirt off of your feet.

It's obvious that the longer I'm denied orgasm, the more these thoughts creep into my head. But when I get a tease and denial such as last night, my sex drive leaves me a horny mess. I am leaking precum and my balls ache as I write this, and I need to get back to work.

Friday, October 11, 2013

It really is her penis now

Since my last blog entry, I went into a period of being allowed to orgasm inside of my wife. In roughly ten days, I was allowed to come three times, which is very uncommon in my situation.

Well last weekend, my wife put a stop to it. I had just fingered her to orgasm, and I asked if I could fuck her. She told me I could, but this time I wasn't going to be allowed to come. In the mindset I had at the immediate time, this was pure torture. Being able to get back on a more frequent orgasm schedule makes you expect, and even need, to continue orgasming. I pleaded with her to let me come just one more time and I'd promise to be good. She said no and told me that I haven't been attentive. She was taking away my big boy privileges.

So as I fucked her (I was actually able to last long enough to stroke in and out, albeit slowly, thanks to my frequent releases), I continued to plead with her. She said the same thing each time, that I wasn't being good enough when she lets me come. Finally, I gave up on the subject and soon, she pushed me out of her for good. I laid there with a throbbing erection and she could sense the pain of my blue balls by the look on my face.

She gave me the lecture on how she felt bad that she had to do this, but it was for the better. Then she let me cuddle on her heaving breast covered by her top. She put her arm around me and stroked my hair. At first, I thought this would get me even more aroused. But it actually seemed to calm me. My erection started to go away and it gave way to an inner sensation that felt so right. I looked up at her and said "Thank you, Mommy." She smiled. Then I told her that I promise to be good. She was happy with me.

Sometimes I wonder if my wife really likes the control she has over her husband because otherwise she is really vanilla. Then things like this happen and it confirms that she not only is the sole owner of my penis, she knows how to use that ownership against me when she wants to. After all, that episode scored her a very thorough pedicure the next day. And now I'm back to denied mode. Sexual satisfaction was fun while it lasted.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

An uneventful update

I'm just putting this out since it has been a little while and I won't have time to post much any time soon. I started three entries on three separate subjects but couldn't find the motivation to be thorough and finish them. They will be finished later on.

I have been locked now for 18 days and haven't had any playtime either. Mommy says we might get to play this weekend, so we'll see how that goes. Chastity on her terms is really tough. Especially when she doesn't want to play for awhile. The long absence of stimulation is the worst. But when I am unlocked and we play, the sensation is like no other. I wish we played a lot more, because I would never complain about long term lockup. I'm realizing more and more that my orgasm is not the issue. I could stay locked forever as long as I got to worship my superior.

As I said earlier, I've got some new ideas and I can't wait to get them out there, when time allows.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Where Do The Kinks Originate? Pt 2

I don't know if this could even be considered an adequate continuation of part one. This subject seemed to hit a wall for me as I tried to delve into the reasons I am the way I am. The more I thought about my fetishes, the more I realized that I could never pin down a conclusion. And subsequently, the more I realized that I really don't have the psychological knowledge to figure this stuff out.

I do believe that my upbringing did something to cause a rewiring of my brain to derive sexual pleasure from bizarre situations. I am into what I consider a lot, I mean a LOT, of freaky stuff. When I look at other blogs, I see that the most successful ones rarely stray from a main theme. There are porn blogs, general Femdom blogs, cuckold blogs, interracial blogs, foot fetish blogs, sissy blogs, chastity blogs, etc., but I am into all of that and more, almost
equally. I wonder if I would have a larger blog following if I did concentrate one a central theme, but that wouldn't be me. Ok, I'm drifting off into a tangent.

The point I'm trying to make is that I have a variety of fetishes that, on the surface, suggest it wasn't one main thing that "turned" me. At least that is how it looks to my psychiatrically untrained eye. But then again, I believe that all my fetishes are rooted into one main idea. That is the feeling of helplessness. At least, that's how it seems. I told you this is hard to figure out.

For as long as I can remember, some anxieties I experienced also gave me a form of arousal that I could never explain. Whether it was running out of time for an important test in school, being locked out of a house, or an arch nemesis of mine asking my favorite crush out on a date, I wondered why my penis would grow just as my blood began to boil. Furthermore, the thought of being bound with no escape or having my masculinity questioned or even taken away has always given me a significant level of anxiety accompanied by arousal. These are all forms of helplessness. It seems like all of my fetishes are rooted in helplessness in one way or another.

This is really as far as I can go on the subject without sounding like a complete contradicting idiot. I tried to break down each of my fetishes to explain the appeal, but found myself running around in circles. So I omitted them. To summarize, I think my root fixation is helplessness and that may or may not have been the result of a shitty upbringing. And that brings me back to the main question of why. There are just too many factors in a person's life to act like I know.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Reality of Being a Chastity Slave

Before I get to part two of my kinky origins post, I just have to share what happened last night. It was pretty intense for me.

But first, let me rewind to over a week ago when I had my last orgasm. It didn't really relieve much sexual energy since it had followed four weeks of denial. When I came, I didn't even make it inside of my wife. I just came on her pussy. She told me she felt bad that she made me wait so long, and that I'd get another chance very soon since she wanted me to get inside of her and pump as hard as I could. So I was looking forward to that.

So that brings us to last night, approximately ten days since that orgasm. I was locked the whole time and the point of me being able to fuck with any competence at all was long past. But I was still grateful that the lull had ended. My wife unlocked me and had me clean myself up. I got into bed with her and we started making out.

My penis reveled in its freedom as I was fully erect while kissing her. She started fondling my very sensitive and pulsating member. I was already feeling the beginnings of a potential accident start to creep up, so I had to back off a few times. I played with her pussy and got her wet. I then got a big surprise. She pulled one of her big tits out of her nightgown and had me suck on her nipple. For those of you who don't know, I rarely get to see my wife's naked breasts because, as she says, they get me too excited. But here I was, sucking on her breast for the first time in I don't know how long, and very quickly I was confronted with the possibility of coming prematurely. I had to back off and pull back away from her. She asked what was wrong and I told her I almost came.

"You can't handle them, can you?" she asked. It was a rhetorical question.

"No." I said in a quiet, defeated tone.

"I don't want you coming until you get inside of me", she said. She pulled her nightgown back up and I continued playing with her wet pussy. My wife loves sucking dick and I was pretty sure she was going to give me at least a small amount of mouth action. But as time went on, I realized that she wouldn't be risking me shooting all over the place. So I did what it was time for me to do which was go down on her.

It is no secret that a man who has been in chastity for any decent amount of time will be much more attentive and seem more skillful in his oral service. I have good oral skills and being denied the pleasures of my own release helps me focus on my wife's pussy that much more. As I licked, I fingered her and seemed to hit all the right spots. She continuously told me how good I was making her feel, and this continued into her explosive orgasm.

"Do you want to fuck me now?" she asked. She knew the answer to that. I couldn't wait.

"Yes, please." was my answer.

"You did such a good job on me that I think I'll lock you back up instead." she said.

"No, please!" I said. "I need to come."

"No", she said, "We both know you won't make it inside." She knew the truth. She pulled me up to her for a post orgasm embrace. "Besides, I like you like this." With that, she reached down and gave my super sensitive erection a few very delicate strokes, admiring her ownership of her toy. Then she ordered me to lock it back up. I was a complete mess, at the height of arousal and the urge to come was almost unbearable. But as I stared at my wife's voluptuous body, I only knew one thing and that was to obey. I put my cage on and gave her the key. Needless to say, I've been horny out of my mind ever since.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Where Do The Kinks Originate? Pt 1

As my chastity continues and my horn-fuled fantasies continue to get stronger and more detailed, another thing has started to stir my curiosity more and more. That is the "why" of it all. And I will say that analyzing the reasons I have the fantasies I do are becoming more interesting than the fantasies themselves lately.

I am a follower of Vanessa Chaland's blog mainly because I love hearing things from a dominant woman's perspective. One of her posts (link here) that stood out to me recently concerned the origins of having a sexually dominant demeanor. Now I have always been curious as to the reasons dominant women, and dominatrices more specifically, have taken the paths they have because the societal norm does not serve as a guide in these decisions. They have broken tradition in the most extreme way possible. I'm not talking about the woman who has a natural take charge attitude and has been raised to be independent in mind, body, and spirit. I'm talking about the woman who gets pleasure, even sexually, from treating men like shit, torturing them, and causing physical pain to them. This must have been sparked by something. I don't know what that is.

More to the point, I'm interested in understanding what makes any person become a sadist or a massochist and derive sexual pleasure from it. There are not a lot of surveys conducted on people who practice BDSM or D/s relationships that I know of, but I am very curious to know if there is a trend among people who had certain situations growing up or any other influential experience early on that leads to this behavior.

It is widely known that extreme events early in a person's life can have significant effects on their sexual thoughts and even situational preferences. Most often, those that seem to have no sexual boundaries are a product of a traumatic event or events that make them devalue themselves and more apt to let people exploit them sexually. Furthermore, those events also seem to conduct a rewiring of the brain which makes that person derive sexual pleasure from them. You often hear that this is the case for the majority of exotic dancers and adult entertainers. But does sexual sadism or massochism fit into the same mold?

I will reiterate that I am not talking about a person who is simply an alpha or submissive living in today's world. We are all born with some genetic predispositions and also raised and taught certain ways. Some are born and/or influenced to be leaders and some followers. It would be outright sexist to assume that naturally born alpha females or submissive behaving men must have had a traumatic experience to break their conformity. My curiosity is based solely on the sexual kink aspect. Take a Domme for example. Sure you are a strong spirited woman because you choose to be and all that. But haven't you wondered what it is about having someone grovel at your feet or inflicting pain that arouses you? Likewise with the sexual submissive of either gender. I understand you have this overwhelming purpose to serve and work hard for your partner to keep them comfortable. I get that. But how does that explain the intense level of sexual arousal that you get from doing their bidding or enduring humiliation for their entertainment?

I am what you would classify as a submissive, panty wearing cuckold in chastity when it comes to my sex life. However, I was born with the physical tools to be an alpha male. I am of above average height and proportional in build. I am of decent endowment and when I was younger and ejaculating daily, I could hold my own with a woman. I'm not saying I was a porn star, but I was not the premature ejaculating guy I am today. But I forewent the use of my physical tools and embraced a lifestyle that gave me more sexual satisfaction, clearly more mental. Even though I may have ruined myself sexually, I introduced to my wife a side of me that makes our sex life a lot more interesting and exciting.

Ms. Chaland's speaks of a situation in her blog post which suggests that events during childhood could indeed be a factor in wanting to cause pain to men. The experiences of which she writes make a lot of sense when it comes to cause and effect. But when I try to use my own past situation to justify my kinks, it becomes more evident that the complexity of life may be impossible to understand.

I have read of sexually submissive males who claim that they are a product of a household featuring a stern mother figure, sometimes with a submissive father. My situation was much different. I was from a broken home with divorced parents. I wasn't without necessities or poor or anything like that. But there just wasn't a lot of structure there. I lived with my mother who was timid and had low self esteem. My father was around, but only at his convenience. He was mostly unavailable when it came to raising me to become a man, let alone a good man. I definitely developed trust issues. I couldn't trust my mother to be strong enough to be there for me and I couldn't trust my father to care enough to be there for me. He disrespected women, especially my mother. Subsequently, I disrespected girls growing up as well. This could have been by my father's influence, but I think it had more to do with my own insecurities and low self esteem developed by my lack of parental leadership.

In any case, I look back at myself and see a kid who had three layers. I was overly mean to females on the outer surface. This went beyond your typical puppy love "I can't understand what I'm feeling so I'll just pick on you" attitude that is common among young boys. I never gave up and held ridiculous grudges that would become physical. This also went well into the age when other boys my age were starting to have girlfriends. I had a defense mechanism of hate and would never allow myself to get close to girls nor them close to me. Underneath that layer was my second layer, which was my complete love for girls. I had a crush on so many girls and fantasized about having them as girlfriends all the time. As a younger child, I dreamed of kissing them and as puberty hit, my fantasies turned sexual as any other kid's would. The thing is, my outer layer would never let this come to fruition. I would never attempt to make those dreams a possibility. Even when I did finally start dating, it was never with the girls I really liked. I chose the safe easy targets that I didn't respect.

And then there was my innermost layer. This was the side of me that wanted to be enslaved and humiliated by all females. This is where my most extreme sexual fantasies arose. It was about the girl I shoved to the ground in first grade, but later fantasized that she would tie me up, strip me naked, and laugh at me. It was about the girl in third grade who I made fun of, but would later fantasize that I was forced to kiss her feet in front of everyone. It was about the neighborhood girl in middle school who I cussed out every chance I got, but would later fantasize about being kidnapped by her and her friends and forced to wear nothing but her panties. This wasn't the only way I could draw sexual arousal, though. I also had typical vanilla sexual fantasies. But I couldn't deny this very intense part of me.

By the time I got to college, things started to get sorted out for the better. My overall outlook on things improved, as well as my interaction with women. Perhaps it was a much needed change in scenery or influence, but I eventually matured. Still having kinks of female domination, though, I felt that I was developing into two identities separate from each other. Having healthy relationships with women did not satisfy the urges that I still sought. Likewise, being a fetish junky wouldn't satisfy my desire to finally live a normal life either. At any rate, we have to choose a path in life and forever wonder what the other path would have given us. It wasn't until I confessed my fetishes to my wife that my two identities were able to merge. It is still a difficult life to live.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Chastity Update and Hypno Thoughts

A hypno file from one of my favorite Hypnodommes, Jenny DeMilo

It has been over a month since my last update on my chastity situation. After six or seven weeks dealing with this, I think I have a big enough sample size to explain how true chastity feels. If you'll remember, for several years I was on a three week release schedule (tentatively of course, but three weeks was the guideline) and I was able to deal with things a lot easier due to the fact that I could accurately anticipate relief to an extent. Now that I can't, I would consider my plight a whole different ball game.

I will say that with all the frustration of being in the dark about my own sexual releases, I have been able to experience some things that make my sex life a lot different in ways. With the absence of any stress on my wife's part to let me release on time, she has taken an attitude of "take my toy out whenever I want it". This can be good and bad. Sometimes she lets me out of my cock cage so I can fuck her (I still have to wear a desensitizing cockring and ball harness and take it slow), sometimes she even lets me cum, and sometimes she teases me by telling me I'll have to wait until next time to cum. These, for a chastity enthusiast like myself, are the good things about it. The massochistically intense feeling of having no say so and being denied hits some spots while the exhilaration of orgasm hits the others. The bad thing is that sometimes she doesn't want to play, as in not wanting to play for weeks at a time. This last bout had me denied orgasm for four weeks and being locked for three straight. You have to take the good with the bad I guess.

I found that my sex drive ebbs and flows like always, but my main objective is to try and keep my mind off of sex as much as possible until my wife wants to play. I try to focus on my vanilla hobbies more now, but that is still a challenge when your hormones are constantly knocking at your door demanding relief. Giving my wife body and foot massages are my main forms of dealing with a horny feeling. And when that isn't enough, I am lucky that my wife lets me engage in foot worship.

Still, as proven by my last bout of denial, I haven't been able to stay away from porn altogether. I still look at tumblr and still torture myself with my kinks. One of the things I have gotten into most is the hypno and erotic trance genre. I have mentioned watching sissy trainers and the like before. I've also been on some of the websites that offer free hypnosis files like Warp My Mind.

After months of sifting through this genre, I have come to the conclusion that these hypnosis clips and files are nothing more than encouragement to embrace the things you already love but might be too taboo to admit. I think there is a long-held misconception that hypnosis is supposed to get into your subconscience against your will and reverse the way you act or think about a certain thing. This seems to cause a lot of disbelief and skepticism about hypnosis among the general public. I believe that if it was more understood as a way to help the willing, it would be more accepted. In short, if you want it, hypnotism can help you be it.

For example, throughout my adult life, I have been fascinated in one way or another with the act of sucking cock. At first it was a naughty thought when I was stoned in my early college days. Over the years, there were many times when I fantasized about doing it as well. But it was never the main focus of my sexuality. Enter cock worship hypnosis. All you have to do is google some keywords and you'll find many hypnodommes who cater to this in audio as well as video form. I can say from what I've seen that it certainly brings out the cocksucker in anyone who has had any interest in it.

I also downloaded a free audio file from Warp My Mind that enhances the listener's obsession with female breasts. I haven't had time to completely trance to this, but I plan on it. I'm still not sure why I put myself through this torture because it really does nothing to curb my sexual appetite. It's like I have no control of myself in chastity and am consumed by the need to destroy my vanilla persona and reshape myself into the horniest freak possible.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I should mention my Tumblr page

I've always treated this blog as more of a reality-based look at how I deal with my kinks. About a year ago, I was looking at my favorite types of pictures on tumblr (Femdom, cuckold, feet, interracial, etc.) and decided that I'd subscribe to all my favorite pages to have my own feed of awesome genres. Finally, I figured I would showcase what I considered the best of the best pics and re-blogs on my own page. junior hubby's corner is treated differently than my normal blog because it reflects my more extreme fantasies in visual form. I'm not sure why I hadn't mentioned it earlier on here. But if you're into the same stuff I am and you like looking at pics, you should check it out.

juniorhubby.tumblr.com

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I Think I Need to Re-adjust

It had been two weeks since I was put on a new and unprecedented chastity schedule (no set amount of time, I only get unlocked when she feels like it), and perhaps the newness of it appealed to me. But maybe it was something I really did want and need. I was being put in an even more helpless state, which I do like. With the old schedule (orgasm once every three weeks on average) there was at least a known factor, and I could condition myself to handle the denial. Not anymore. The mindset created with this random yet infrequent orgasm schedule really had me wanting my wife's sex, her wet pussy, and that which I thought I wanted to be denied. Perhaps it was the structure of the three week schedule that made me feel that she would always give it up if I really wanted it. Being completely left in the dark about the next time my penis would touch anything was quite a mindfuck.

This past weekend, my wife and I had sex. As in actual sexual intercourse. It started innocently enough with a massage, but grew in passion until she was horny and wet. Before I knew it, I was fingering her pussy and clit doggy style while she was telling me how much she wished I could fuck her that way. She came really hard shortly after, and the image of her bent over like that had my penis straining to become fully erect in its cage.

She told me she wanted me to fuck her. I wanted the exact same thing. I asked if I could be unlocked and come inside of her and she said yes, motioning for me to grab the key on her nightstand. I asked if she was sure, and she replied that it was her dick and she does whatever she wants with it. Once unlocked, I mounted my keeper's still bent over body, and I was already fighting a premature orgasm. In typical pathetic fashion, I attempted to enter without coming first, and had to back off a couple of times. But I finally got inside, starting to ejaculate on the first stroke in. But I humped hard, and she loved it. For that brief moment, my wimpy penis was upgraded to a dick, the likes of which seem to be perfect for her when I am inside. She moaned how much she missed it and how she loves how it feels.

Ten seconds later, we collapsed. She was in that glow. Granted, her orgasms come primarily through clitoral stimulation, but there was still a post coital glow because I had entered and come inside of her. It wasn't because I was the best performer. That was obvious. It was because she loves me and has been more in love with me than anyone else in her life. All of the cuckold stories I've seen and the fantasies I've had over the years do not translate to this real world of mine or my wife's ideals. A great fuck in her eyes is a nonessential past time, but making love to her husband is what really makes her happy.

It is of these realities that I wonder if it is time to change my way of thinking. I've made it very clear in my blog that my sexual ideals revolve around my wife being sexual with another man exclusively, denying me everything except oral cleanup, me being more of a foot licking servant than anything else, and putting me on an infrequent masturbation schedule for my sexual releases. It has been over eight years since I made my initial confessions to my wife about wanting to be submissive to her. And though there has been a lot of progress in that area, I feel that my ultimate ideals will never be met. In fact I am most certain that they won't. My wife is who she is, and is never going to see eye to eye with the extreme kink-laden side of me. I am lucky that she has cuckolded me and put me in chastity. I don't want to pretend there is more to be done and get frustrated when it doesn't happen. I need to stop obsessing on how to be more of a cuckold and channel my efforts elsewhere.

If my wife doesn't want an extreme cuckold marriage, I have to accept that she needs me to be the lover she wants me to be. Perhaps instead of worrying about how she needs another man to fuck her the right way, I can focus on ways to be a better fuck toy. The first thing I need to do is learn how to make sexual intercourse as enjoyable for my wife as possible. The author of one of my favorite blogs, Denying Thumper, has recently experimented with lidocaine as a desensitizing cream with successful results. If I am stuck in chastity, my sensitivity will always be a factor. But if I can take away my own pleasure to add to my wife's, it seems like a win-win situation. This is just one thing I can do to change our sex life for the better. I will be on the lookout for more ideas.

As it says on my cover page, I'll never be able to shake the kinky and deviant desires that I'll always have. I will still fantasize and write about what I love, even if it never translates to my life with who I love. Still, a new chapter begins, and it may just prove to be better than the last.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

New Chastity Terms


Last time I left you, I was patiently awaiting my release that may or may not happen that night. Well it did thankfully. And it was not only a reminder that I need to be thankful for every release, it was also a lesson because of newly imposed terms.

That night, my wife asked me if I still wanted to release. I said of course. But she was tired from the crazy week we had which included her ogasm-a-thon. She said she was thinking of letting me jack off on her feet and said as much. I begged her to let me do so. It had been far too long for me and any longer would have really fucked with my head in a bad way. After a month, I can tell by my mood that there is an absence of endorphins or something which makes me cranky. I knew it was up to her though, so I pleaded humbly. I told her I promise to be a good boy and never pressure for any type of sex until she wants it. She asked me if I was serious and I said yes. She then said that I would have to be locked up and never ask for any type of sex at all until she initiated it. My penis jumped a little. It was a kinky thought which made me throw caution to the wind. I said yes, of course I would do that for her. She said ok and told me to get at her feet.

So there I was, on my knees on the bed at her feet. She said I could hump her leg for awhile until I was ready. I must have looked like a kid on Christmas morning because I hopped on her shin and grinded my pantied penis against her while she smiled at me, like a mother enjoying her boy's delight as he unwrapped his gift. It should be a humiliating feeling humping away like a dog, but I have gotten past that point. It is nothing but ecstasy for me during these moments, a place where I really feel comfortable and can handle the pleasure. Under a controlled orgasm schedule, intercourse isn't like that because the sensation overwhelms me to the point of losing control of myself. Humping legs and masturbating are more my speed.

As I humped, we talked about how this was all I could handle and that she needs a real man. Well, we started to talk about it, but that got me so close that I couldn't have been humping for a minute. I told her I had to cum and she stuck her feet towards me. I pulled out my pathetic excuse for a boner, not even fully hard but ready to blast. I shot like crazy all over her pretty little feet and drenched them. I then got down and licked it all up. As always, she asked me if I enjoyed it and I told her that I really did and thanked her. She wanted no reciprocation, so this was just for me since she was worn out. There is still a bit of humiliation to be told to perform in this way when we didn't even kiss during the event.

True to her word, I have been locked in chastity ever since, only to be let out during showers. I am not allowed to initiate sexual contact of any kind. I can only hug her and tell her she's pretty or that I love her. The way she was able to let loose when we got away from home proved that a stressful year at work is the culprit in her lowered sex drive, so she wants no added pressure from me. I'm not even allowed to say anything when my release date comes, nor if it passes, or is weeks later. I have to wait for her for everything. But that's the choice I made, and I can't yet say that I regret it. It should be all about her anyway. But ask me again in a few weeks, if you know what I mean.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

A Much Needed Getaway

In my last post, I mentioned my wife and I planning a getaway for just the two of us. Well it happened. And it was probably the most needed thing for our relationship, especially for me. As I said before, I was starting to worry that my wife wasn't really in the mood for sex lately. I even made a post in a Fetlife group asking for advice on how to maximize a platonic marriage with the same kinks. It turned out that stress had been the big factor in my wife's low sex drive after all. She proved it on our trip.

After checking into our hotel room, we decided first to go to a bar and have drinks. While out, the most amazing thing happened. My wife struck up a conversation with a guy next to us. I didn't think much of it at first because my wife is a very outgoing person. But things started to get a little more serious than I could have ever imagined. They talked and for the most part ignored me. I decided to keep quiet anyway because there was a chance my wishes were about to come true. As they talked about some of the more personal things in life, he started to get closer to her. Within an hour, they were touching. He had his hand on her knee and she was being as friendly as possible with hugs and such. He was also being polite to me, as if he knew what we were all about. I showed my approval for how things unfolded so I supposed he felt the ability to go ahead with everything. Unfortunately after awhile, he said he had to get going, but he got my wife's number and said he really wanted to get together later on or perhaps the next day. By this time, they were very close, heavy petting and slightly making out. I couldn't believe what was happening. It was never agreed upon what we were looking for and we never told him our situation. He just did what he wanted anyway. I'll admit that as a man, it is probably the hardest pill to swallow to witness that. But if you can get past what is encoded in your DNA to defend your territory, it is the most beautiful feeling as a submissive male to yield to another man in that way. Just before he left, we shook hands and he kissed my wife goodbye.

The problem is, he basically flaked out. They talked on the phone and it turns out he was married and was worried about getting into trouble. So he didn't cuck me like they had planned. But I will tell you this. The fact that my wife was going to fuck this guy who proved my inferiority was the intensity that I had been craving for such a long time. I realized that I didn't even have to be fully cuckolded to enjoy my place in my marriage. When we got back to the hotel room, my wife was super horny. She told me that she hopes she indeed gets to hook up with him and I wouldn't get to watch. I got on my hands and knees and began licking the sweat from her feet. She told me how he would fuck her like I never could and it didn't take long before we were naked in bed. She had me worshipping her pussy while her verbal assault on me and my pathetic penis continued. I got her off and she left me horny and denied before we decided to call it a night.

That was the beginning of a whirlwind of sexual acts over the course of our trip that included (in no particular order) her grinding on my face, me pleasuring her with the Hitachi, her petting my pantied penis while I told her my most embarrassing fantasies, me sleeping on the floor next to her bed, me giving her several massages, me spanking her ass while fingering her as she yelled out how much of a big cock slut she is, her teasing my balls with the Hitachi while I called her Mommy, more of her grinding on the Hitachi, and so many orgasms for her that I lost count. She is truly a sexual being when out of the hustle and bustle of real life.

I never got to come once. It has now been over a month for me. I should feel let down that I didn't get at least one orgasm before we headed home. But our much needed getaway provided some clarity for me. I love my Mommy and I felt so glad that I made her so happy. She promises that I will get to come tonight, but it doesn't even matter anymore. What truly matters is that it is up to her. That is something I lost track of in recent months. Right now I want to do anything to make Mommy happy. This isn't going to make me perfect overnight, I realize that. I will always have my flaws and frustrations. But I want to try hard. She told me I was her good boy and I want to keep trying to get better.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Cuckolding is a Drug and I'm Addicted

I fear that eventually, I will not be able get aroused unless this is my life.


The other day, I was at home experiencing my renewed sense of horny submission to my wife when she returned from work. She was looking extra beautiful to me wearing her work clothes which included a skirt and dress shoes. When she kicked her shoes off, I could tell that her feet probably had that smell that sent foot freaks like me into cloud nine. I couldn't help myself when I asked her if I could give her feet a tongue bath. I think I threw her off-guard because she gave a puzzled but affirmative jesture. She doesn't understand why I like this, but she is gracious enough to let me indulge in my fetishes. She had me follow her up to the bedroom so I could get my treat. She laid on the bed and checked her phone messages while I went to town feverishly on my owner's sweaty feet. It must have been a silly sight to the vanilla-thinking person. But I could do this every day. It is everything to me. It is the only form of intimacy I need in this world.

When I was done, my wife smiled down on me. I told her how horny I was for her and that denying me was the best. That is when I should have stopped, left the room, and let her change out of her work clothes. Instead, my aching balls and my leaking boner took over the moment. I told her that she should deny me sex for the rest of my life. Her smile went away instantly. She proceeded to berate me on how she didn't want that at all, how she would always want sex with me, thought it not fair to deny herself that, and that it wasn't normal behavior. That word again. Normal. The word which symbolizes the obstacle freaks like myself struggle with our entire lives. We are forced to conform to what's normal. I backtracked. I told her I was just using hyperbole because I was caught up in the moment. I reassured her that I always love having sex with her. The truth is, having an orgasm inside of a vagina is the most outstanding sensation in the world to me.

But this interaction was more proof that our ideals in the bedroom aren't the same. She needs me to be a man for her in order to really love me. It is the paradox of the cuckold relationship. How can my wife want me for a life partner if I truly am inferior? Why would she want to keep me around if she found a man who could make beautiful love to her? I'm afraid she is too far on the vanilla side to see it any other way. I envy the cuckold whose wife can find a special relationship with another man while also keeping her inferior husband as a soul mate.

It is really my fault. I got a dose of the drug that is cuckolding and I am hooked for life. The initial dose instantly had me coming back for more. I want it in bigger doses now. It isn't enough that my wife hooks up with her old friend on a very sporadic basis. I am just like a junkie, only instead of a chemically altering drug, I need the psychological mind fuck. In the moments that my wife is fucking him, I am happy. I'm still happy when she returns to me, tells me about their time together, and lets me eat her out. But after that, the high starts to fade. Especially when she lets me fuck her, the feeling of being cuckolded has all but disappeared. I need more. I need her to be exclusive to him. I need him to fuck her regularly and often. I need to be nothing to her when it comes to sexual intercourse.

My ideal sex scene plays out in my head quite definitely. My wife strips naked, crawling onto the bed looking back at me. She looks so beautiful and I am so addicted to her body. She gives me the look like I know what to do. Her ass has me in a trance. I move in, but I know my place and go in face first. I spread her ass open and bury my tongue in her anus. The taste is bitter, but I have grown to love it, become fixated on it. After licking and worshipping for a good amount of time, I pick my head up. I caress her round, soft, beautiful, milky white ass. My fingers explore downward from her asshole and to her honey pot, oozing its nectar. I realize that my primal urges are taking over. I am fully aroused and have the urge to stick my erection into her pussy, ending my horny frustration.

As I picture driving myself into heaven and get ready to act on it, the door behind me opens. It is her lover. My wife smiles. He walks towards us and gently nudges me to let him in. I back away obediently. He quickly gets naked and pulls out his big cock. He gets into position to take his woman. The pussy I want so badly is now being penetrated by its true owner. Her lover makes her gasp upon his initial thrusts. His cock is quickly coated with her accommodating juices as he begins to develop a rhythm. My extreme inferiority is confirmed as I realize that I would have come inside of her by now. But that is why she is not my woman, she is his. I have no business inside of her, and everyone in the room knows no greater truth. My boner twitches as I sit on the floor watching. They put on a display of doggy style fucking worthy of porn. My wife is so turned on that every outward stroke of her lover's cock creates a rope of messy residual juice flying onto the bed sheets. She soon comes very hard on him.

But he isn't done. He slows down and lets her catch her breath. He reaches over and they kiss lovingly, until he sees that she is ready for more. He picks his strokes up and I watch as he pounds her for a really long time. He finally makes her come again. Now he builds up toward his orgasm. She begs him to come deep inside of her. She tells him she wants it so badly in her. He obliges and coats her vaginal walls with his potent seed, marking his territory and making her forget at that moment that she has a husband. They are the only two people in the world as far as they are concerned. They have become one, and I am of no use to my wife in this capacity any more. She is my wife but his lover. She is my friend but his woman.

They say you have a problem when your addiction spills over and ruins other parts of your life. My wife doesn't seem to be wired for polyamory. So if she really met a man that could fulfill her sexual desires in a way that fulfills my cuckold desires, she would probably leave me. This would take away my best friend and break our family apart. But I can't deny that it would feed and satisfy my sexual addiction. The fact that I'm even thinking this way tells me I have a growing problem. Will I never be happy sexually until I am reduced to a pathetic divorcee who lost his entire family to the drug that is cuckolding? Or even worse, will I only be sexually satisfied when I am reduced to nothing more than a divorced loser whose only service to women includes paying financial Dommes to send me dirty socks in the mail and make me frequent glory holes in the seedy parts of town? What's worst of all, I have no desire for rehabilitation.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Domination Continues


It had been a couple weeks since I last masturbated, thanks to my wife who recently put the hammer down. In my last blog entry, I explained how she not only stopped my frantic jacking off to all things sexy and kinky, but she also cut me off from having intercourse with her indefinitely. I had turned back into her horny servant.

Last night, I got a lucky break. I think it was due to the personal attention I was giving her as well as my domestic efforts lately. She told me that after giving her a long massage, I would be given a treat. My eager hands rubbed her entire body until she felt the utmost relaxation. I could tell she would be receptive to a nice pussy massage as well. When my hand finally made its way between her legs, she let out a very welcoming moan. I made a dash for the Hitachi, and soon she was getting the happy ending that she deserved. I got on my knees on the floor as she lay on the edge of the bed. As I worked her over, I developed a nice boner in my panties. Just the notion that there I was, nothing more than her personal panty boy servant, had me at the same level of sexual arousal that she was, and she was the one being pleasured. Before I knew it, her orgasm had her thighs gripping the magic wand as she shook with ecstasy.

When she calmed down, she told me I would be allowed to jack off on her foot. But she made it clear that I wasn't allowed to fuck her since I couldn't handle her like a real man. She told me I should be grateful for the opportunity to come on her foot. I agreed and thanked her for this gift. She hung her leg down near my position on my knees. Stroking for what had to be about ten seconds, I positioned myself and quickly coated her hot pink-painted toes with at least two weeks worth of slimy, useless seed.

"Lick it up" she said. I knew I was going to be made to, but the encouragement to do so kept me in the right mind space to perform the shameful act without pause. Soon her soft foot was absolutely clean of my mess.

"There", she said. "That should hold you over for about a month, shouldn't it?". I knew it was a rhetorical question as I nodded and said yes like a good little boy. I was a little surprised that the three week chastity norm was overlooked and a full month was imposed. But we have a weekend getaway planned in June for just the two of us and I concluded that it must be the next time I'm allowed to masturbate. I thanked her for the night and incredible release, even if I did end up with the aftertaste of semen in my mouth and throat.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Back in my place


My wife erased any question as to who is ultimately in charge of my sex life. It all started a couple of days ago when she told me she was texting with her out-of-town fuck buddy and things got a little dirty. She showed me some texts and he was talking about how he's going to give her what she's been missing for so long. They talked about how hard he's going to fuck her as well as the other activities he does with her that I'm not allowed to do.

I finished reading it and my hands were trembling so much that I was afraid of dropping her phone. And in that precise moment, all of my concerns about our kinky sex life, my growing lust for other porn stars, all of it went away. My wife was my sole focus again.

That night in bed, we talked some more about the texts. She said they were planning a meeting sometime in the future. During the talk, she very matter of factly told me to rub her feet. It had been so long since I had done that, and even longer since she gave me orders like that. I guess she could tell she had me right where she wanted me by my newly rejuvenated attentive behavior. While I rubbed her feet, she gave me the lecture about how I've been slacking in my service to her and that she knew it was because she's been letting me fuck her. She told me that the only way she sees it remedied is by cutting me off from intercourse. It was a shot in the arm to me, and a jolt to my penis. I was rock hard and she saw it. She told me she would much rather have a slave who acts like this than a premature ejaculator during sex.

She grabbed my leaking boner and started stroking me lightly. We made out while I also played with her pussy. She was really wet as we talked about how her pussy is his, not mine. Then I got the Hitachi and took her to orgasm, while my penis was denied any more pleasure for the night. We then cuddled and she talked to me about how she loved me this way. I told her how I loved being a good boy for her, and that she was my Mommy. I told her how slave boys make much better servants than sex partners to their mommies, and she had a favorable reaction to that. I knew the natural order was back where it belonged. Before we both fell asleep for the night, I went to my underwear drawer and pulled out a pair of panties. We both knew it was time for me to go back into them. I imagine that the chastity device is next on the horizon.

Although it is proven that my kinks are much more potent than my wife's, sometimes I feel like I am on a completely different wavelength than she is. But it is times like these that make me think that we are in fact in tune with each other. Perhaps we both needed this last break and now we both need the natural order to return. My next blog entry was actually going to be about how I needed my wife to take charge of me again because I didn't like what I was doing. I needed to be in chastity again and I needed to be denied the awesome feeling of ejaculating inside of my wife. I needed her to be the sole focus again. Little did I know that she wanted that too in the same way. It is all about the ebbs and flows of a kinky sex life living in a vanilla world.

Monday, May 6, 2013

You can't just turn somebody gay, but...


This past weekend, while my wife was out with girlfriends for the night, I took my place at the computer and did what comes naturally to me: surfing my favorite porn sites. I decided to try out some of those sissy self hypnosis training videos that I found out about. There was one about sucking cock. I watched the compilation of women sucking on huge hard cocks with the dubbed over soothing female voice telling me how much I love being a cocksucker.

It was really arousing and I decided that I would try something. Although I admit to fantasizing about sucking cock, and even having accidental ejaculations while watching homo-erotica in the past, I've never masturbated to completion with the sole intention of having an orgasm to it. I always figured it just wouldn't be as intense as having visions of women I am actually attracted to. Well, this time I was going for it no matter what. I got my wife's Hitachi and decided that I was going to be a little slut. I rubbed the magic wand over my silky panties like a girl. Eyes fixated on big beautiful penises, pretending it was my warm mouth caressing them, it didn't take long at all before I was violently shooting a massive load in my panties. It was amazing.

The immediate moments following my orgasm, I lost all desire to even look at the video, yet wasn't feeling the complete shame I thought I would. However, the next day, all I could think about was when I was going to try it again. I'm really surprised at how I took to something so foreign when I'm not really gay. Not in the closet. Nothing like that. I think I just really like sexualizing anything that takes away from who I am supposed to be as a man. Being treated like a dog, being a woman's doormat, and screwing with my sexual preferences all seem to fit the same mold. I think I will try to mix in gay porn to my masturbation habits on a regular basis and see how it goes.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Signs of a Dwindling Sex Life

Last night, I had sex with my wife. There had been too much going on lately, and it was nice for us to finally have some time alone with no distractions. We started by making out, which seemed like forever since the last time we did that. She rubbed on my crotch while I rubbed her increasing wetness. I was getting hard, but I wanted to maximize my pleasure. After an amount of kissing, I made my way down to her feet and started worshipping them. As I continued with my fingers on her pussy, I ran my tongue up and down her legs and feet until my erection could handle no more.

Once I knew she was ready, I went down on her. If there was ever a time I wondered if she had lost interest in me (this is over three weeks since she was last in the mood), her response to my mouth and tongue on her very horny pussy proved otherwise. I can tell she hasn't had time to even think about sex, and her sensitivity due to it being so long was evident. I couldn't have licked her for three minutes before she came on my face. I didn't want to back away because I had missed the taste of her. I tried to start licking more after her orgasm, but she didn't want any more. She asked if I could fuck her. That was all it took for me. Having not masturbated in days, I had my own sensitivity issues. I announced that I was going to come, and I rushed to get inside of her. The first spurt happened as the tip of my penis touched her juicy lips. When I entered and unloaded, I looked down at my sexy wife. Her look said she was trying to enjoy the fact that she had a dick inside of her. Then we collapsed together, and cuddled, as if we had completely given each other the best of satisfaction.

Except we didn't. This was another in what is turning into a string of compromises in our sex life. My wife wanted to get fucked and since I can't really provide that, I just wanted to worship her. Where she enjoyed the kissing, I enjoyed licking her feet. We find mutual agreement in the realm of me giving oral sex. But still, things don't flow as smoothly as they should for a couple who loves each other the way we do.

It's hard enough admitting to yourself that intercourse will never be the source of your most intense orgasms. But that is nothing compared to the ever growing reality that my wife and I are not truly sexually compatible. It looks as if our kinky exploits over the years might just have been an experimental stage, for her at least. It isn't even that she's too vanilla. My wife deserves someone who can have vanilla intimate moments with her but can also fuck her into cloud nine the way she likes it. I, on the other hand, would do much better being relegated to the floor, licking away at feet, shoes, or anything she lets me, and jacking off. In bed, she wants to be loved rather than worshipped, and I want to be degraded rather than loved. We as companions are best friends who couldn't love each other more. I just wish that could always translate to the bedroom.

But alas, sex isn't everything and it is a blessing to have what I do. There are so many great things in life we share, even if that includes compromise.



Friday, April 5, 2013

A New Champ Reigns Supreme


I'm actually surprised at the short amount of time it took me to start blogging again since I'm on a break from chastity and don't foresee putting the cage back on any time soon. But my "time off" has been different this go around. Although it is nice to be able to stroke myself to completion every time the urge strikes, I'm still extremely horny and, for some reason, I still have premature ejaculations every time I have sex with my wife. I should feel drained and satisfied, yet I feel like a monkey at the zoo who can't help but play with himself every time a female walks by the cage. Truth is, I'm probably not far off in that assessment. Anyway, there is a new muse in my horny submissive male mind.


I mentioned Christy Mack in my last blog entry. I thought it was a fluke, but she has taken a firm hold of her place in my mind. Now she has knocked off the former reigning champ, Phoenix Marie, as the current #1 porn star of my dreams. It wasn't easy. Phoenix and I have a LOT of history together, even if Phoenix herself doesn't know it, or know me for that matter.

Whether it is just because Christy is too new to the scene or some other reason, she only does the typical vanilla porn. As of writing this, I've found out that she did a small amount of Femdom stuff but didn't stick with it. Still, for some reason she is the one I'd choose over all of them right now. Why? I thought maybe it was because I was just ready for something different. And she really is super hot. But I think it is more than that.

The thing about these pornstars is, obviously, I don't know any of them. All I can do is use the image they put forth and I formulate my own fantasy off of that. Simply put, the image Christy Mack puts forth is that of one bad bitch. Tatted up, head half shaved, and ready to fuck like an animal, she looks like she just doesn't give a fuck as long as she gets hers. To me, she symbolizes the hot girl with whom you somehow managed to get a date, and got her to like you. You know she might be bad for you, but you throw caution to the wind as she becomes your girlfriend. She is a maniac in bed and you can barely handle her, but you manage to hold your own and hang on for dear life with this girl. But you know she can't be tamed. As time goes on, you start to wonder if she's still happy with you. You don't want to lose her. You know she's dangerous the way she flirts with the other guys, and you know deep down that she can't possibly be sexually satisfied with you alone.

You voice your concerns to her, but she plays you like putty in her hand. She has convinced you that the hot guy who asked her to dinner is just a friend, and that it would make her SO happy if you, her favorite boyfriend she's ever had, wouldn't have jealousy issues. You apologize and tell her to have fun, but adding insult to injury, she asks you to take care of some errands for her while she's gone. You still aren't convinced that everything is perfect, but what can you do? She's so sexy and you don't want to lose her. You accept what you have while you still have it.

These incidents gradually occur more and more and become more and more blatant, until you have fully accepted that she is insatiable. Soon she doesn't hide the fact that she fucks other guys and there is no negotiating room. You are under her spell, and do everything you can to let her know how faithful you are and want to stay with her forever. You have become a personal servant as well as a boyfriend. You do whatever she says, and you decide that in order to solidify your place in her life, you will propose to her. You'd rather be her cuckold husband than lose the hottest and baddest bitch around. To be Christy Mack's cuck. How awesome would that be?

It's not one of my typical extreme sissy Femdom cuckold fantasies, but it's funny how something a little more realistic can indeed be hotter. In fact, Christy is white hot on my radar right now. Thankfully, I can masturbate to her all I want while I'm out of chastity.



She's so hot! How am I going to get over this girl?



Monday, April 1, 2013

Sorry for the Hiatus

There is usually one main reason that I stop blogging for awhile. That reason has to do with non-chastity periods. This one in particular is one of complete relapse. The state I was in the last time I blogged, horny and frustrated with seemingly no incentive to carry on with it, was ultimately the cause of my downfall. I had mentioned that chastity without teasing and minimal intimacy defeated the purpose in a way, and I couldn't overcome it. Being on the honor system after being allowed to come once in six weeks proved to be a mistake.

Scrolling through my Tumblr feed, a picture sent me over the edge. The image of incredibly sexy Christy Mack (pictured above) graced my computer screen and dared me to let go and give in to my overwhelming urges. Out of all the girls I've raved about on this blog, it was surprising that one who usually doesn't fit my type would leave me powerless. I guess I was just too vulnerable and she is in fact Goddess material. I jacked off until I came furiously, coating myself with my mess. I didn't even feel bad about it. I guess the six week period just burned me out. The flood gates had opened, no pun intended. In less than an hour later, I found myself jacking off to orgasm again, this time to a Sara Jay clip. Later that day I came again to Shanna McCullough. I even came later that day to Dana Delaney after seeing her in some older movie on TV. I finally felt more sexually satisfied than I had in I can't remember how long.

The thing is, in subsequent days I was still horny, just in a different way. I didn't want to tease myself anymore with internet pics and blogs, I just wanted to come. Soon thereafter, I had sex with my wife and she didn't deny me orgasm. Maybe she was burned out with chastity too. I felt bad when I came within five seconds of being inside of her. I thought I would have gained stamina with all the masturbation, but it didn't seem to work. Still, there was no talk of chastity in the foreseeable future. I have continued to masturbate.

I know that in the past, masturbating regularly has curbed my appetite for all things kink related. It has diminished some of my thoughts like being a sissy, but I still think of being cuckolded constantly. I still desire to be nothing but a foot licking panty boy while the wife saves her pussy for other men. I continue to masturbate to interracial porn, one of my preferred methods of orgasm. I feel like I'm trapped because my wife is vanilla no matter how much she has catered to my desires even if she has enjoyed lots of it. She isn't the kinkster I am, and we both are aware that each other's ideal sexual scenario doesn't match. We can only compromise. I will try to be the man she wants in bed just as she tries to be the cuckoldress I want. Until she decides to take control again, I will probably indulge in my selfish need to masturbate to my fetishes.

This is really just an update to show how it has been going with me. I can't really see myself updating the blog regularly until I am back in that creative mood that chastity puts me in. Only time will tell.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Six Week Release Backfires


Well, I was finally granted an orgasm by my wife after six interesting weeks. The heightened sense of intimacy we shared was well worth it. But after all is said and done, that might have been the only thing worth the wait.

On Saturday morning, I woke my wife up with a tongue bath, all over her body. It had been awhile for her as well, so she was getting horny. I fingered her to orgasm before it was time to start the day. She promised that I would get mine later. That night we found ourselves all over each other in bed. Not only were my senses enhanced, but my wife was very receptive to my touch. She got wet very fast, and was reaching for my pantied penis early. She could only get a few strokes on me before I had to pull back. She didn't want me coming yet. As my tongue made its way down to my reward, her pussy, I tried to enjoy the moment and breathe everything in. I knew she wouldn't last much longer either. With a fair amount of tongue strokes, she got off, clamping down on my face. She had gotten almost all of what she wanted.

At this point, I was horny myself but wanted to go into a subspace that really got me going. Even after this long of a wait, the vanilla sex wasn't hitting the spot like it used to. It was finally my turn to come inside of my wife after six long weeks, but I hoped I would be relegated to jacking off or even being denied longer. It seems I have become accustomed to being degraded. Alas, she wanted me inside of her. There is a form of humiliation from orgasming in a degrading way, but for some reason the humiliation of coming instantly while trying to fuck is almost too hard to handle. But she wanted me, so I gave it to her. When I opened her legs and got into position, the orgasm began. And upon my initial thrust into her, the first shot fired. I lay there, quivering from the overwhelming sensation of a woman's pussy and unable to start a rhythm of subsequent thrusts as I shot the rest of my load. I was truly embarrassed and my penis quickly went limp. I apologized but was consoled. She said she knew it had been a long time. But that barely helped me as I wondered if she was really frustrated. As we cuddled, I regained composure and felt that relaxed, post orgasmic feeling that I rarely get the chance to feel anymore.

The next morning, I woke up as horny as ever. In fact, I felt more horny than I had in weeks. The orgasm jump started my libido in a bad way. What's worse, there will be no more sex any time soon to ease my feeling which is worse than before I came. As far as sex goes, my wife had gotten all she wanted (well, besides getting actually fucked) and in her mind she had given me all I had deserved. So it may be awhile feeling like this. It is nearly unbearable. At least before my orgasm, I only wanted to be a cock sucking sissy. At least that felt more elegant because I wanted to emulate the fairer sex. Now I just want a bratty college girl to treat me like an absolute dog, walk me around on all fours, make me lick her feet for hours, and finally let me hump her leg. It's like the orgasm put my hormones back on a more primitive level. I'm just a dog now. I don't even deserve to act like a lady.

I must find something to take my mind off of this. But I probably won't. I hope I don't annoy my wife too much, but she may find me spending a lot of time slobbering on her toes.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The Ever Elusive Release From Chastity

Week 5 has come and gone. I haven't released in what seems like forever. On top of that, I have experienced no sexual intimacy with my wife in over three weeks. There are too many reasons for this to mention. Even though she has told me that we might do something this week if she's up for it, I think my next realistic chance is this weekend. I have only gone six weeks without orgasm a few times in my life, so you can imagine the intensity of what I'm feeling.

Chastity is either holding my rational self captive like a prisoner or it is opening my eyes to a new world of pleasure. I've grown tired of figuring out the answer to that. The thing is, contrary to previous commentary, I am beginning to enjoy what I am feeling. What's more, I want to be denied longer. Even though it is hard being denied with no teasing or supplemental stimulation, I like knowing that I'm in a state of sexual irrelevance. It makes me feel like the unworthy slave that I've always fantasized being. As of now, I'm a house keeper and a foot massage boy, nothing else. And if I can feel comfortable in this level of denial, the addition of sexual humiliation and ridicule would make things even better. It makes me realize that I could in fact be a sexually cutoff cuckold if my wife ever chose to find a local, more regular guy and save herself for him. I do miss the oral worship, but I'm sure I could earn those privileges even as an extreme cuckold from time to time.

Although I've often had fantasies of being denied intercourse permanently, I've never given much consideration to being in chastity forever, until now. I'm still not sure about being permanently chaste, but the thought is becoming more intriguing the longer I wait. If I was approached by my wife this very minute with a contract locking me up for an entire year with no release, I'd sign it in a heartbeat. I think a year would be a good indicator as to whether or not I'd want to continue. If my wife had a steady lover during that time, I'd be in heaven.

I want to tell my wife about this fantasy of mine without freaking her out. I know she would never agree to this. She seems to be ok with having me as a primary sex partner even though I am unable to enter her without coming immediately. She seems to be ok with having a long distance fuck buddy that she sees very seldom, even though he is able to fuck her brains out. It makes little sense to me, but it isn't my decision. Still, I would feel much better if I let her in on my feelings, that I want to be in chastity for a year while she finds a local guy. I think I'm going to tell her anyway. The worst that can happen is that she sees me as even less of a man and my fantasies eventually come true.



Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Locked and Forgotten Penis

Chastity is taking its toll. I haven't had an orgasm in over four weeks now, and it is quite possible I will eclipse the five week mark with no problem. It has been a busy couple of weeks with the winter weather and also our jobs. I'm pretty sure my wife doesn't know how long she has had me denied this time. She has a career that keeps her very busy as it is, and added events recently have made it even more so. But I wonder if it also has to do with my penis being of little use to her lately. With the magic that her Hitachi provides, it would stand to reason that she hasn't looked forward to our little penetration sessions in which I come immediately.

My wife reassures me at times that it is in fact because she is busy and that she always loves being with me. But I wish the reason that my penis, her property, is locked away for such a long time was mainly because of my inferiority. I know this may sound selfish, but it would in a sense justify my chastity a little more. I would feel like all is right. Because right now I don't feel that sense of direction that I've had in the past during long bouts of chastity. My wife would tease me and make me get her off multiple times. I would have a sense of self worth as her sex slave. Right now the absence of anything sexual starts to make the chastity, dare I say, pointless. The thing that helps my motivation is the nightly foot massage which is always performed even though we haven't touched each other intimately in two weeks. It puts me in the mindset that I don't deserve anything but her feet. But it is still tough to endure chastity in a non-teasing denial period.

Being what I consider a chastity veteran, this level of chastity doesn't bring on such an intense horny mind state the way it probably would for the average 'real man' who would need to go fuck something immediately. I mean, I still have an extremely elevated attraction to women when I haven't come in a long time. I look at average looking women and imagine how good it must feel to be with them. But instead of running around like a maniac with an erection that must plunge into something, my body has learned to adjust in different ways. It becomes a much more mental change than physical. My mind thinks of ways I can be of use without satisfying the manly urge. This is becoming redundant, but it is worth mentioning every time because it is fascinating how the human body can adapt. My senses get sharper. The smell and taste of a woman replace my need to empty into her as my sole focus. Obedience to a woman replaces the need to take her and conquer her. Becoming a woman replaces fucking her. My fantasies are a stark contrast to that of a typical male at this point.

It was no more evident than the other night when I was having trouble sleeping, which happens occasionally with long term denial. Eventually, I started to pretend like both my wife and I were curled up in each arm of a big strong man, cuddling with our master while he slept, sexually satisfied by us. I felt a sense of calm and dozed off into a peaceful sleep.

Now there is something I have never shared in this blog. I know I have given the impression that acting like a sissy is somewhat of a new obsession for me. But long term chastity has done this to me before. When I was about 23 and in my last semester of college, I was experimenting with orgasm denial, and I made it about six weeks which to this day I haven't surpassed. Being younger back then, it was more intense than now, and I was more horny than I am now. By the time I was a month into it, I was contemplating what it would be like to crossdress. It was still winter weather where I was, so I secretly shaved my legs and started painting my toenails. I started buying women's lingerie and wearing it. All behind closed doors without anyone's knowledge. I indulged my fetish on the internet but didn't masturbate, intensifying my want to live as a woman. I read up on hormones and started considering taking them. I chatted online with guys who wanted to help me become their tranny girlfriend.

Later in the semester, I decided that in order to graduate and start thinking about my career in the real world, I would need to end the charade and clear my head so I could make the best decisions possible concerning my future. I finally masturbated, not in the heat of horny frustration, but in an attempt to save myself. I got on my back, put my legs over my head, and positioned my boner above my mouth so that I could catch every drop. It was my farewell salute to sissyhood as I shot my gigantic load down my throat. For the next day, I masturbated over and over until I was completely drained, of semen and of any desire to be a sissy.

Chastity is fueling all of this. Sometimes I think I need to just beg my wife to ejaculate and get these thoughts out of my head. On the other hand, what is it really hurting? I shouldn't be ashamed that I have an appreciation for gay porn now, or that I want to experience bimbofication (the act of being transformed from a man into a complete barbie doll bimbo). Why not embrace this other side and enjoy it? Besides, what other option do I have? Nothing is going to change as long as my wife's property is locked away.




Saturday, February 23, 2013

Bailey Jay


Well, I've really outdone myself this time. I discovered someone, and I have a huge crush on him. Well, sort of. She used to be a he anyway. And she still has a dick. But ironically, that's the furthest thing from my mind when I think about Bailey Jay.

Bailey is a transsexual porn star. Due to my recent discoveries and interests in my feminine side, I have often frequented the shemale category when surfing the internet. It didn't take long before I found out about Bailey. The average shemale porn is very distinct. The girls usually have that look about them: not exactly a woman and a shit ton of makeup to cover up manly features. That never really bothered me anyway, but tranny porn is what it is. Bailey is different. If the first pic I saw of her wasn't of her stroking her impressive erection, I wouldn't have even considered, or believed for that matter, that she was born a male. I had to dig up as much info I could find of this hottie.

Born with very feminine features, she started crossdressing in her teen years. She was first discovered when she flashed people while in line at an anime convention, and then later had to confess to security that she was really a boy. Finding out that this really cute chick in a school girl's outfit was not actually a girl stunned most of the people there, and they still didn't fully believe it. This started a buzz over the internet, and subsequently snowballed into somewhat of a cult following. People wanted more of the girl they called "Line Trap" (named so because she was considered a trap by tricking guys into thinking they were ogling a girl). People started to confess that they didn't care what gender she was because they still loved her and wanted her.


She would soon resurface under the alias Harley Quinn and decided to give everyone what they wanted by doing shemale porn. Eventually she changed her name to Bailey Jay, launching her own website and her career continued to ascend. She ended up winning two AVN awards for best transsexual performer and two nominations for XBIZ in the same category. After seeing her in a few clips online and hearing several of her podcasts, a part of me fell in love with the pigtailed headphone wearing girl with a dick. In my opinion, she transcends the entire genre and unless I haven't found them yet, no other TS in the business comes close to matching her in charisma and beauty. While there are some really beautiful transsexuals in the business who are quite passable, Bailey is the total package (no pun intended).


Ok, so Bailey Jay looks like nothing other than a gorgeous biological female. So what? There are a million hot women alive, and they even have vaginas. Why am I crushing so hard on a tranny? Maybe I've become so into cock that she becomes the perfect mix of beauty and kink for me. But then I thought it might be because I not only want to be with her, I want to be her. If I could be that pretty and still have the sex drive that she obviously has, I'd love to take it as far as possible. That lifestyle seems appealing to me.

But truth be told, I have a lot of admiration for Bailey as a person. She took what she was given and made a success of it. She transcended shemale porn just as she transcended what I thought previously about shemales. She took a genre that had its place in my rotation, but perhaps for the wrong reasons. Shemale porn for me was all about the humiliation of wanting to slut out like the sissy I am with another sissy, because I didn't deserve a real woman. Bailey teaches me that I can look at a transsexual and admit attraction that goes beyond sexual kinks. I want to hold her, kiss her, and even cuddle with her, and dare I say, be a real man for her, much like the many bio women I have crushed on throughout my life.

All things considered, I really hope this obsession dies down soon. After all, I'm married, she's married, and there's nothing I can do about it anyway. But I know for sure that Bailey has secured a place in my top ten favorite women, probably permanently.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Should I be a sissy? Could I be a sissy?




I wrote a blog entry a while ago titled 'Why Sissify?' and I wonder if my recent events and thoughts reflecting them might contradict what I said back then. I still think most of what I originally said holds true. I am not a woman, and I do feel comfortable in my own skin in everyday life. I am quite comfortable with who I am as a person. But living as a sissy would be like the rush of adrenaline a skydiver gets when he starts his descent. He otherwise lives his everyday life naturally on the ground, safely, with no constant force of gravity pulling his entire body at a tremendous rate. That doesn't dissuade him from being a skydiver, from experiencing that rush as much as he can. I feel that for myself, although I get a feeling of great arousal by fantasizing that I'm a cock addicted female, I am not a woman trapped in a man's body.

It is obvious that my sexual desires do not reflect those of the man I am. I do not experience the pleasure of having sex with attractive females the way normal men do. I see a woman and although I may find her extremely hot in the exact same way a vanilla alpha male does, my thoughts do not turn towards intercourse. Instead, they turn towards ways I could worship her, be used and humiliated by her, and be taken down a level. I now find no greater way to prove to the woman that I am not an alpha than to want to be like her, feminine and sultry. Maybe it is along the lines of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". If I cannot get her into bed the way a real alpha male can, then I should accept my fate and be her slutty sister in arms.

It becomes clearer and clearer that my desires are purely sexually driven. It is not as if I want to get a sex change to be passable in public, or even be a part time drag queen. But what I do want is to be a whore for the use of men and the entertainment and service of women. I want to live the dream of being a hot blonde bimbo locked up in a fluffy pink cage where I can read my girly magazines, paint my toenails, apply and re-apply my lipstick, and do other things in anticipation for the moment when I am called upon by my Mistress to come out and perform my oral whore duties. Such is not a realistic scenario, but then again, life is not about living out sexual kinks 100% of the time.

I have said in the past that I shouldn't be allowed intercourse ever again. I took for granted the time long ago when I could fuck a pussy with any amount of effectiveness. I have become so overly sensitive that my stamina is gone. I have a penis that is, as my wife calls it "great to look at but not worth fucking". Now I'm starting to believe that I shouldn't even be allowed to masturbate like a man anymore. No more full strokes on my penis. It is not a penis anymore, not in the traditional sense anyway. It is more like a clit. Even that would be a disservice to women to compare my sissy stick to their beautiful anatomy. I still want to emulate them by masturbating like them. Only sensual rubbing with my fingertips of my most sensitive area through my panties should do, much like how a woman rubs her clit. Maybe if I get lucky, sometimes I could use my wife's Hitachi. That would be amazing, sharing a masturbation technique with my wife as if we were lesbian lovers. Of course, most of the time I am not allowed orgasm, so these would be very special treats when I could please my useless, girly, pantied, over-sensitive sissy stick. This could in fact be a realistic scenario.

Something I would need to remain is the privilege of orally worshipping my Mistress/wife in some capacity. Regardless of how gay I sound by writing about my sissy fantasies, it is from the female that I derive all of my sexual desires originally. I need to worship women. I love licking my wife's body, love tasting her pussy and ass, and especially her feet. If I was suddenly forbidden from worshipping all other parts of her body (in much the way I am forbidden to worship her breasts), I would need to continue to be allowed to worship her feet. To give tongue service to the lowest and dirtiest part of the female body makes me feel whole, like I am performing the act I was put on earth to do. I couldn't live a life of servitude without performing what feels to me as almost spiritual. As long as I had that, my mouth could otherwise serve as a sperm deposit for hard cocks all day long.

The rub in all of this, unfortunately, is that no matter if I have perhaps come upon a new horizon of sexual awakening, I cannot become a full sissy. Perhaps I can't become even half a sissy. My wife simply won't allow it. She wants a man for a husband and she wants the visual of a man in bed, no matter how inadequate I've become at it. She wants vanilla sex from me as much as I feel wrong giving it to her. She doesn't want me sucking men off even though she knows I'd like to. And she doesn't want me acting like a girl at all- it is gross to her. It pulls me in different directions because she listens to my fantasies with an open mind. She lets me wear panties all the time and had no problem with me being a maid in uniform as well as in duty. Yet I am not allowed to let go and endulge in my sexual interests to the fullest. The first rule of being a submissive husband is to always defer to her orders.

I am going to do whatever I can, however, to incorporate my sissy fantasies into my sex life, while at the same time being a formidable companion for my wife. I don't have it planned out yet, but I will eventually indicate to my wife that I like being a sissy and would like to explore it further. Whether it be my willingness to play maid on a much more frequent to even a regular basis, or to voice my fascination with sucking cock more often, my wife will know my desires. And who knows? Maybe, like cuckolding, another obstacle might surprisingly be overcome.