It has been over a month since my long awaited release from sexual denial and frustration. And after being freed from my own hormonal prison, my mind became focused on other things besides sex, and the unprecedented feeling of my wife's pussy kept me sexually satisfied. That is, until I started thinking about what being sexually satisfied really does to me.
I'm realizing something that actually has been partly proven for years, but I feel that I can finally admit it now. I feel that at this time in my life, I know that my sexually submissive feelings define me much more than my vanilla makeup. Although I actually have the ability to be an adequate lover, I do not want to be one, ever. Sexual ecstasy for me is being denied, frustrated, and put in a position of inferiority.
In my last blog entry, I explained that after getting to have sex with my wife again for the first time in six months, we had sex multiple times, each time increasing my lasting power and ability to fuck. For that following week, I was able to completely turn the tables on my wife and fuck her the way her boyfriend fucks her. She praised my ability and told me how much she loves my dick. But something popped in my head during a session when I was fucking her from behind. Going in and out and having absolute control of my own dick and the sensation I was receiving, I asked myself, 'Am I really enjoying this? Now that I have this wet pussy at my disposal, am I really in the throes of sexual ecstasy?'. If I was to honestly answer myself, I would have to say no.
If nothing else, this six month bout of denial was a good experiment. It taught me that sexual happiness for me is less about physical attraction and more about the verbal exchange. It is less about the feeling of my own orgasm inside a hot woman and more about the smell and taste of her body. It is less about satisfying a primal urge and more about never having my urge satisfied, and even having it used against me. An example of how I know this is that I can fully admit that if you put me in a room with my wife or any of the hottest women in the world, I would rather masturbate in a humiliating manner in front of them than have sex with them.
Now, just because I have this clear vision of who I truly am, it is not really conducive to real life, and my life in particular. My wife and I live a vanilla life with a family and she likes having a husband that can be a man for her. Earlier in our marriage, I thought I could help cultivate a wife led marriage because my wife has the qualities of a true leader. However, I have learned that it doesn't always translate to a wife led sex life. She is just a vanilla woman in bed. She is willing to play games and take charge sometimes, but I cannot change what she really wants. Therefore, I can only be a part-time sub. Can I live with that? Yes, but I will always wonder how much happier I would be if I was a full-time cuckold slave.
It is hard to believe that in the short time that I've been turned back into a sexually functional man, I have already decided that I want the shackles back on, and I want them to stay on.