Some of the things on my last blog were of value to my writings, so I am going to slip in an old entry from time to time. In the spirit of my latest arrangement with my wife, I think this one I wrote about cuckold angst is fitting.
It has been talked about in the cuckold community. Jinxypie explains it well on her blog. I always wondered before I was cuckolded how I'd be able to handle it. And after last night, I experienced firsthand why cuckold angst may be the worst part of living in a cuckold relationship.
My wife had told me last week that she was planning something special for me in bed for being so good lately. I had asked her if it was something I could request, like seeing her boobs or receiving a blow job, but she told me that I would find out when it was time. That time came last night. I asked what I was allowed to do. She told me I was going to be allowed to come earlier than scheduled. I asked if I was going to be allowed to see her with her top off, but she didn't like how greedy I was being. She directed me to go take off my CB3000 and meet her back in bed.
After doing so and climbing into bed wearing pink cotton string bikini panties, my wife and I started making out. It was hot and heavy, and it was proving to be too much for me to handle. She was as gorgeous as ever, wearing a tank top that accentuated her ample breasts. As the kissing went on, she reached down to my crotch to rub my penis. The sheer touch from her hand was proving to be too much, so I had to pull away for fear of ejaculation. She was becoming disappointed at this. She then said "This isn't even going to be fun for me."
Now, usually, this to me is her playful way of domination. But this time it felt much different. It felt as though she really wasn't into this at all. Her pussy wasn't getting wet from my touch. She didn't seem receptive to my kisses. It was evident that she needed to play with my dick to get more into the sexy feeling. I couldn't even give her that. I asked if she'd let me have sex with her twice in the night so that I could be able to last the second time. She quickly responded, "No. I'm already tired."
I'll be honest. In all of our marriage and all of the kinky games we've played over the years, this was the most genuinely awkward I've ever felt with her. I went down on her and she was significantly dry. I lapped away and she wasn't moaning like usual. I was becoming afraid. Afraid that she was starting to lose interest in me altogether. In my head, I told myself "of course you idiot, you're the one who let her get fucked by someone else". My mind continued to race, and not in a good way.
I decided that I was going to try my best to enter her and pound away, hoping that she would get some form of pleasure out of it. I pulled off my panties, and announced that I was going to fuck her. She didn't smile, rather she looked at me indifferently. As I made my way between her legs, I pathetically felt the first sign of my orgasm. Then I fumbled to get inside. I was shooting my load as I entered, but I bucked furiously, the way she described her boyfriend doing to her a few weeks ago. She started taking pleasure in it, her face lit up as she took the pounding. It wasn't much, and I soon became limp, but she was now in the mood. I went back down on her, and she was moaning and loving it. I made her come soon after.
As we cuddled, the inevitable cuckold angst started to set in. I admitted to her that I was ashamed of my performance. Again, like last time, she told me that I did fine. I said that lately I have been worried about her not wanting me anymore, as stupid as it seems. She then consoled me and said that as usual, real life can always hamper the mood, stress at work, etc. When I again mentioned my feeble performance, she said she knew this was just a chastity game game that manipulated my ability to perform and that she thought this was what I wanted. I apologized for sounding so paranoid. It seems that the cuckold angst had gotten the best of me.
As many years as we have been doing this, the fact that she now has a sexual relationship with another man plays nasty tricks with your mind. It really felt this time like she was losing interest in me. But as I reflect on how it all happened last night, it was actually pretty hot. I now understand that cuckold angst is something to be taken very seriously, without making snap decisions. I'm glad I didn't get even more paranoid and suggest we should stop the "game" altogether. I strongly suggest every man considering living a cuckold lifestyle to take heed to this message. And the women to remember that these will very emotional times for the husband, but he can be calmed with encouraging words. I really can't stress how much harder it is than I thought.